The Dance of Opposites

Ancient wisdom for promoting health and happiness in the here and now.

3^rd Edition

Dr. Rudy Scarfalloto

The Dance of Opposites, 3^rd Edition

© Copyright 2010, Rudy Scarfalloto

All Rights Reserved.

No part of this book may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise without written permission from the author.

ISBN: 978-0-9826832-1-7

Published by Serenity Press

Printed by Booklogix Publishing Services, Georgia, USA

Other Books by Rudy Scarfalloto

The Edge of Time

Cultivating Inner Harmony

Readers' Comments

“An excellent book--practical with great insights! Dr. Scarfalotto's book is packed with insights and wisdom. You can use it to immediately improve your life--whether you are hurting or happy!! I highly recommend this book. It is thought provoking, yet so easy and enjoyable to read.

---Doris Helge Ph D., Author of Joy On The Job and Transforming Pain into Power.

“This book gives us profound insight into one of the most fundamental features of life within the physical body---the interaction of opposites.”

---William Richards, Author of Pearls of Wisdom

“In the Dance of Opposites, Dr. Rudy Scarfalloto tells a compelling story of how the world actually works.  Despite our insistence – particularly by males of the species – that the world fit our neatly formed ideas of logic, that’s just not the way it is.  Dr. Scarfalloto gently guides us into accepting the premise that Truth (with a capital “T”) and truth (small “t”) are not only compatible, but can actually set us free!  He brings a clarity to some otherwise complicated issues, and combines mysticism and science in a way that transcends our mental pictures.  The Dance of Opposites is a great read for those who need a reason to just stop, smell the roses, and know that there is an  intelligence out there (and in here) weaving some pretty potent magic!” 

--- Michael Craig, Author of The Logical Soul™

“Dr. Scarfalloto's work breaks free from the restrictions and assumptions of other models. His work has exceeded my expectations.”

---Joel Rachelson, Ph.D., Psychotherapist

Acknowledgments

I would like to thank the following individuals whose teachings and insights helped me in writing this book:

• Dr. Camden Clay, for putting into application the idea, "The only way out is way in."

• Joseph Collins and Dr Jerry Epps, for those spontaneous and enlightening discussions.

• Lee and Suzanne Harris, for teaching me the key idea that opposites are two sides of the same coin.

• Robert Stephens, for his excellent work in Mastery of Words.

• Justin Sterling, for his insights into the interaction of men and women.

• Special thanks to my beloved former wife, Angelea Wicker, whose magical presence was instrumental in bringing this book to life.

Contents

Introduction

By Robert Anton Wilson

Every month I receive a pile of books the publishers want me to read and to comment upon. Very, very rarely do I receive one that arouses my enthusiasm as much as the present work, which manages to bring some of the most advanced concepts of Oriental and Occidental mysticism into a framework so down-to-earth that even the allegedly esoteric “unity underlying all opposites”, seems so obvious that you wonder how anyone could ever have overlooked it.

Indeed, the singular achievement of this book consists in making you understand why the human mind must overlook unity once we begin thinking at all, and why we must rediscover it if we continue thinking clearly enough and long enough. Only one other book explains so clearly why we always begin by positing polar opposites and why we must end by reconciling the opposites: G. Spencer Brown’s Laws of Form. And, alas, you need some background in mathematical logic and cybernetics to understand Spencer Brown. You just need common sense and an open mind to understand Dr. Scarfalloto.

Dr. Scarfalloto begins with an enlarged Y to illustrate the bifurcation of the nervous system when the brain stem splits into the right and left-brain hemispheres. This hauntingly resembles Dr. Wilhelm Reich’s famous diagram for the bioenergetic unity under­lying biology and psychology. And that, in turn, suggests the bottom, or root, of the well-known emblem of medicine, the staff with two intertwined serpents (which appeared in the dream that inspired this book), as Dr. Scarfalloto explains.

In China, the same symbolism appears in the philosophy of the Tao, the cosmic energy that always manifests as the opposing forces of yin and yang.

A symbolism that appears in so many places and times does not belong in the category of “beliefs” or “concepts.” It pre-exists such front-brain abstraction. It comes, rather, from that timeless abyss which Carl Jung called the “collective unconscious,” or from Sheldrake’s “morphic field,” or the “akashic records” of Theosophy—i.e., from a level so deep that we cannot profitably consider its symbols as ideas but only as the preconditioning forms (or archetypes) out of which all of our less primitive images, and eventually abstract ideas, can grow.

Dr. Scarfalloto’s method of reducing all opposites to their underlying unities uses only everyday examples from ordinary human life so that anybody can understand this book. (Few can understand Jung, Sheldrake, Leary, etc.) Consider by contrast the shock tactics of Aleister Crowley: “Nothing is. Nothing becomes. Nothing is not.”

The mind whirls. If one has the taste for this kind of meta-logic, one struggles with Crowley for a long time before understanding what these Strange Loops communicate. Most people lack that taste and give up quickly. Nobody will give up on The Dance of Opposites, I suspect. It deals immediately and urgently with our most intimate and painful conflicts and shows us with great clarity how we got into them and how we can work our way out of them again.

A last word: this book seems too good for simple “reading.” Rather, you should keep it handy and re-read a chapter a day for a few years, until you begin to feel deeply the simple path that Dr. Scarfalloto presents.

Introduction Third Edition

As a way of introducing this third edition to The Dance of Opposites, I wish to point out that the first edition was called The Alchemy of Opposites. I initially wrote the book in response to a dream, described in the forward of this book.

The dream turned out to be a life changer. After publication of the book, the torrent of information continued. What’s more, some of my original ideas would not hold still, but insisted on evolving. One facet of that evolution was the realization that my work was closely related to the Taoist concepts of Yin and Yang. That relationship should have been obvious to me from the start, but it wasn’t. In fact, during the months that I was furiously writing down all the cool ideas that came to me after my dream, I never once considered the relation of my work to Yin and Yang. Even after Robert Anton Wilson briefly commented on this, in his introduction to my book, it went right over my head.

Yes, I was peripherally aware of Yin and Yang, as are many individuals in the West. However, I never once focused on their connection to my work. I never said, “Hummm, Taoism, Yin and Yang, opposites; that’s what I’m writing about.”

Finally, after the book was in print, I made the “discovery.” During a conversation with one of my readers, he casually commented that my ideas were very much akin to Taoism. For a moment, I just stood there, sort of stunned and embarrassed, as if he had just informed me that my fly was open.

My oversight is sort of understandable because the ideas I was exploring in my book were based, not so much on my academic study of other works, but rather, personal experience. None-the-less, I was perplexed as to why I didn’t at least reflect on the link, while I was writing the original book. In retrospect, it was rather spooky. When the realization finally sank in, I started an intense and prolonged study of Taoism, Traditional Chinese Medicine and the Martial Arts. I was astounded. “Those crooks,” I said, “They stole my stuff – four thousand years ago!”

My initial blindness to the Tao-connection turned out to be blessing, because I was able to contemplate the same core principles described by Taoism, but from a perspective that was free of its language and mental constructs. I was able to freely explore the dance of opposites in ways that I did not encounter in my subsequent exploration of Taoism.

None-the less, when I finally took the time to study Taoism and its practical applications, it was like coming home. Consequently, I absolutely had to write a second edition. I also felt compelled to change the title from The Alchemy of Opposites to The Dance of Opposites. This reflects the understanding that we do not make the opposing qualities within us and around us interact harmoniously, no more than we can order two individuals to love one another. We simply cultivate the ability to recognize how they naturally dance harmoniously. When we do so, we tend to cooperate with that dance, which invites health and happiness, as the ancient Taoists well understood.

So, what is this third edition all about? As with the second edition, it incorporates the fruits of my deepening understanding of the subject, while retaining the exuberance, flair and flavor of the original book. In addition, I have rearranged many of the chapters with the intent of promoting clarity and readability.

Forward

This book was born early one morning when I awoke from a startling dream. The main feature of the dream was a snake. Snakes in dreams are not that unusual, but this creature was thousands of feet long and proportionately wide. And, it had two extremely ferocious looking heads.

In the dream, I was flying close to the snake’s heads, high in the air among the clouds. The beast undulated in a most menacing manner. Its tail was far below on the ground. The two heads had intense, ravenous eyes. Each mouth was wide open, revealing dagger-like teeth and a sharply forked tongue. In the dream, I also knew that the serpent was extremely venomous. It was obviously capable of annihilating me with no effort at all. In addition, I saw that its power was so great that it could easily swoop down and destroy all of humanity.

Even though I was afraid, I prepared myself to fight. I did so by climbing into a two-headed snake costume, which was going to act as my “battleship.” And so, we squared off, ready to do battle, high in the air among the clouds. At that point, I awoke.

For a while, I remained motionless in bed with my eyes closed. Behind my closed eyelids, I still saw the gigantic snake, and I continued sensing its horrific power. Even after I opened my eyes, I continued feeling its deadly presence. I stared at the sky through the window, watching the clouds drift by.

For me, the dream was, to say the least, unprecedented. Still seeing the snake clearly in my mind, I said to myself, “This probably means something.”

As the emotional impact of the dream gradually wore off, I took note of my initial impressions as to the meaning of the dream. Later that day, I consulted books and experts to get additional information as to the possible meaning of the symbols of my dream. Not surprisingly, I found no reference to extremely ferocious two-headed snakes of monstrous proportions. So, I went back to my strong initial impressions, which were as follows:

• The two-headed snake symbolized duality - the dance of opposites. This idea was reinforced by the appearance of the second snake (me in the costume).

• The humongous size of the snake suggested that the duality in question wasn’t merely one particular pair of opposites. It was the granddaddy of dualities, containing within it all other pairs of opposites.

• The foreboding feeling that the snake was extremely powerful and dangerous suggested that I would either master it or be devoured by it – devoured by the conflicting opposing forces within me.

• The dreaded fear that the snake could destroy me and all people on Earth suggested that the snake not only symbolized duality within me personally, but also touched into the collective consciousness of humanity. This impression was reinforced by the snake’s tremendous size and extremely high altitude above the earth - its two heads ready to swoop down on the population below.

• The final impression was that if I tried to overpower and destroy the snake, I would surely lose. The message was, Don’t kill it, just understand it. If this had been an actual snake in the outer world, I would have laughed at such an idea; however, since the snake was a symbol of the opposing forces within my own mind, the idea that I could master it through understanding was reasonable.

Duality is Fun…Except When It Isn’t

In the days that followed the dream, my mind was flooded with a variety of opposites. I had the notion that duality is beautiful and that it does not have to be synonymous with conflict. I saw a man and woman dancing, rejoicing in their differences; the strength of him delighting in the grace of her, and the grace of her embracing the strength of him. I then had the frightening and exciting notion that all opposites can be experienced in this manner.

When inner duality is not fun, it shows up as neurosis, a condition in which opposites are at war within the mind. We set them at war with each other by judging one as good and the other as bad. We then identify ourselves with the one that is judged as good and pretend the other doesn’t exist - except maybe in someone else.

External opposites are generally well tolerated. We are not troubled because up is the opposite of down. We are not emotionally tortured by the fact that hot is the opposite of cold. We do not lose sleep over the oppositeness of night and day. However, when the opposites are our own emotions and thoughts, we find it more difficult to just observe them without taking the whole thing personally.

This book addresses those interesting forms of internal duality, inner opposites such as truth/lie, hold on/let go, pleasure/pain, forgiveness/revenge, birth/death, etc.

The Big Joke

With regard to the dancing opposites, the big joke is this: With any pair of opposites, the side we have judged as inferior is the one that rules us. This is commonly known principle, even for individuals who are not familiar with how opposites dance. It is the basis for the cliché, “What you resist persists.”

Likewise, when we recognize both sides of any duality as partners in the dance of Creation, the inner conflict dies. It does not die, however, as a soldier on a battlefield. It dies as a seed dies when it breaks its shell and germinates. The sprout is the vision of Life wherein opposites make love instead of war. Such a vision leads us naturally to the primordial Unity beyond opposites.

Practical Value

Essentially, there are two ways that we can benefit from this book. One is immediate, and the other is long-term.

The Immediate Benefit: Since Creation is a dance of opposites, any aspect of your inner or outer world can be understood more deeply when seen as part of that dance. In that sense, this book is essentially a handbook for understanding various common issues that impact our health and happiness.

The Long-Term Benefit: The more deeply we understand the dance of opposites within us, the more we tend to spontaneously “cooperate” with it. Therefore, as suggested above, the long-term benefit of applying the information in this book is that the reader gradually becomes free from the habit of consciously or unconsciously placing opposites at war with one another. By thus setting the mind free of that subtle but perpetual conflict, we deepen our potential for healing and renewal of the body and mind. We also tend to relate more harmoniously with the world around us.

Stated differently, the short-term benefit has to do with the way you think, and the long-term benefit has to do with the way you feel. For example, one specific short-term benefit is that you might see the usually hidden contradictions and inconsistencies in the behavior of people around you. A specific long-term benefit is the awareness that any such contradictions that you perceive (and react to) in the outer world are, more than likely, reflections of your own inner contradictions. That awareness is usually experienced as a feeling. That feeling is commonly called “compassion.”

In other words, you can simply use this book as a handbook for gaining new perspective on specific subjects or issues that are of interest to you in the moment. In addition, if you make it a habit of looking at life in this manner, your efforts will, more than likely, compel a subtle and gradual evolution or transformation in the deeper, feeling areas of your mind. The more deeply we see and appreciate the dance of opposites within us and around us, the more we invite the vision of Unity beyond opposites.

We will start our journey by asking this question: What is it about the dance of opposites that makes it so fundamentally important to life? This question is answered in Chapter One.

Part I

The Steps of the Dance

Chapter 1

Not Just Apples and Oranges

“What about apples and oranges” asked the young lady, sitting in the first row. I was teaching my anatomy and physiology class to a lively group of budding massage therapists. When the student asked her question, I stopped in my tracks, at first, not knowing what to say. You see, up to that moment, the class was not actually focused on anatomy and physiology. We had gone off on a tangent and somehow found ourselves talking about the interaction opposites. Massage students are like that. On the surface, they may look like average citizens, but in reality, they tend to be renaissance thinkers, interested in just about everything.

We were talking about how the very life within the body is a dance of opposites. “When the dance is harmonious,” I declared, “life renews itself.” The class had been happily rambling on about the dance of opposites within us and around us, when the student asked about apples and oranges. Apparently, in her mind, apples and oranges were opposites. They aren't, but she didn't know that because I had not defined the word, “opposites.” Opposites are partners in the dance of creation. Sounds rather cosmic, but it has no meaning if you think that opposites are just apples and oranges. So, the class went off on another tangent as we endeavored to clearly define opposites. We were neglecting our regular class work; but that was okay because they were a bright group and we were ahead of schedule anyway.

If Two Things Are Opposites...

If two things are opposites, they define each other. Each side has meaning only in the presence of the other. If we eliminate one, the other loses its identity. For example, night defines day, up defines down, hot defines cold, young defines old. On the other hand, apple and orange do not define each other. We can certainly recognize an apple without comparing it to an orange.

In other words, opposites are relative terms. Life is about relationship, and the dance of opposites is the most fundamental way of relating things. When we take the time to understand the simple dance of opposites in the created universe, the complex relationships that follow make more sense. For example, once we understand that opposites are simply two things that define each other, we would not say that two people are opposites. The term, opposite, specifically refers to a pair of qualities, ideas or choices that define each other. You cannot completely know yourself by just comparing yourself to others, The wholeness of who you are, ultimately, is beyond comparison, therefore, you can't be someone's opposite.”

Granted, you can understand some things about yourself by comparing some of your qualities with the opposing qualities exhibited by others. For example, one person defines himself as a male by comparing himself to a female. There is nothing wrong with this, provided we recognize that such knowledge is limited; each individual has qualities that go beyond gender and beyond duality, qualities that cannot be understood or appreciated through comparison.

Each Carries the Seed of the Other

We can easily understand that opposites are two things that define each other. Opposites, however, have another calling card: if two things are opposites, each side bears the seed of the other. When each side expresses itself in fullness, it brings forth the seed or essence of the other. In one sense, each side becomes the other. And so, the dance of opposites is, among other things, a dance of transformation. This is the dance of transformation that makes life possible.

In other words, true polar opposites are not static. They may be likened to the roots and the fruit of a single plant. The root gives rise to the fruit, whose seed brings forth new roots. Simplicity swells into complexity, which then returns to simplicity. Spirit condenses into flesh, which returns to spirit. The child becomes an adult, and the adult must, once again, become a child. When this dance of transformation is allowed to unfold naturally, life goes on with ease and grace. When we resist or disrupt the flow of this dance, we suffer.

The life of the body consists of many pairs of opposing functions and qualities interacting harmoniously: hot and cold, rigidity and flexibility, acid and alkaline, emptiness and fullness, motions and stability, etc.

The mind also consists of many opposites in a dance of transformation. The dance occurs whether we are aware of it or not. However, as conscious beings, we have the choice of cooperating or not cooperating with it. Cooperation doesn't mean that we have to identify the many pairs of opposites in the body and mind so we can figure out how to make them fit together. They tend to integrate automatically, especially when we recognize that life is a dance of opposites. The more deeply we understand this dance, the more we tend to flow with it. The more we flow with it, the more we invite vibrant health, mental clarity and emotional serenity. The purpose of this book is to allow the reader to gently cultivate a basic recognition of the dance.

In summary, if two things are opposites, they define one another. In addition, if we examine any pair of opposites closely enough, we see that each side bears the seed of the other. The next chapter describes the two basic ways that opposites interact with one another.

Chapter 2

Understanding the Dance

Opposites interact in two ways: they compete and they complement. Both are essential to life. When the many opposing functions and energies of the body "compete," each side restrains or subdues the other, so as to avoid harmful excess. Therefore, the body doesn't get too hot or too cold, too wet or too dry, too acidic or too alkaline, too relaxed or too agitated, etc. The same holds true for workings of the mind. Mental clarity and emotional serenity are made possible by the many opposing thoughts, ideas, emotions, desires and choices that test, prune and temper each other.

When opposites complement one another, they enhance and exalt each other. One side "fits" into the other. Each derives its identity from the other. Each reaches the fullness of its expression in the presence of the other, thus creating a wholeness that otherwise would not be possible. For example, the normal posture and alignment of the body is the result of rigid bones connected to flexible muscles, tendons and ligaments. We can move because of active muscles pulling on passive bones.

With regard to the workings of the mind, intellect and intuition reach the fullness of their potential when they are allowed to complement one another. Our capacity to give is enhanced by our capacity to receive, and vise versa. Work supports play, and play supports work.

We are alive and healthy because of the many opposing functions and qualities interacting harmoniously within us. Harmony specifically means that they compete and complement in appropriate ways that promote life and health. 

People Are Not Opposites

Before we apply this dance of competition and complementing to human relationships, we must again, emphasize that people are not opposites. True opposites define one another. On the other hand, two individuals cannot define each other. The wholeness of an individual cannot be understood through comparison with others. The individual's personality is rich and unique. Every person has qualities that, ultimately, transcend duality and therefore, cannot be comprehended through comparison.

Two people, however, can have some opposing qualities. In fact, any two individuals will have a number of opposing qualities. To the extent that they do, they will recognize one another, as if looking into a mirror. Their awareness might be a nonverbal or emotional recognition, sometimes called "chemistry." This simply means the individuals have the potential to compete with and complement one another.

In a true complementary relationship, the two individuals enhance one another but cannot replace one another. If one party belittles the other or tries to usurp the power of the other, both sides lose. This does not mean that the competitive part of the relationship must be eliminated. It is simply integrated. The two sides can truly complement each other because the competitive part is ever present to question, confront and challenge the two individuals, so as to promote stability and balance. Such harmony is possible to the extent that each of the two individuals is in touch with a sense of self that is beyond duality, which means, beyond comparison.

When we are in touch with our silent essence, competing and complementing find their rightful place. We can compare ourselves to others and even compete, without becoming nasty or insecure. We can form healthy relationships because we sense that our wholeness resides within, not in finding another individual who fits (complements) us perfectly. Neither do we frantically try to change ourselves or the other person so as to create a better fit. We can just relax and delight in our differences, allowing our many opposing qualities to reach out to each other and dance the dance of life. 

Synergy and Intimacy

A complementary relationship has the quality of synergy, a condition wherein the whole is greater than the sum of the parts. Synergy doesn't just happen between two individuals. Any two or more people or things can synergize. When there is synergy, there is wholeness. All the parts integrate in such a way as to create something new.

With regard to two people in relationship, the capacity to complement one another goes hand in hand with the capacity to be intimate with one another. Intimacy simply means the individuals share a high level of honesty and trust. When we say that two individuals complement one another, we are describing how they function or work together. When we say they are intimate, we are describing how they relate emotionally.

In other words, when we speak of opposites in general, we say the two sides interact by competing or complementing. With regard to two individuals in a relationship, we can also say the two parties interact through competition or intimacy. Competition and intimacy are not mutually exclusive. The two tendencies flow and ebb organically in any relationship. In general, when the competitive instinct is allowed to express honestly, its natural tendency is to evolve toward intimacy.   

The Evolution of Intimacy

The year was 1891. The cold wind blew briskly, and the rain fell steadily, as six men carried the coffin out of the church. Inside the coffin was the body of General William T. Sherman, who, twenty-six years earlier, had captured Atlanta, thus, crippling the confederate army to end the Civil War.

One pallbearer was a sickly old man who was warned by his doctors not to attend the funeral because, in his condition, he ran the risk of contracting pneumonia and dying.

He attended the funeral anyway. Standing outside in the inclement weather, he even refused to wear a hat, out of respect for General Sherman. As the doctors predicted, the old man developed pneumonia and subsequently died. He had no regrets, however. As he lay on his bed, he was asked why he had risked his life like that. He simply said, "General Sherman would have done the same for me."

Who was that man? A fellow Union soldier? No. He was General Joseph E. Johnston, Sherman's confederate counterpart in the Atlanta campaign. These two men, who had once tried to annihilate each other, had developed a deep respect for one another.

Almost exactly one hundred years later, I found myself in a wooded area, northwest of Atlanta, not too far from the place where General Sherman and General Johnston had met in battle. I was holding an air-powered rifle that fired paint-filled plastic pellets that splattered on impact. I stood with a group of thirty or so goofy-looking men wearing helmets, goggles and heavily padded ponchos. I said to myself, "This is dumb; I don't want to do this."

I soon realized, however, that my reluctance to play paintball had nothing to do with the dumbness of the game but rather my fear of engaging in competition and losing. So, I decided to participate, figuring it was good for me.

Eventually, I found myself running through the forest, sweating, growling, crawling on my belly and diving for cover to avoid the dreaded barrage of paintball pellets. Sometimes my team won and sometimes we lost. Either way, I thoroughly enjoyed the game as I participated in the hasty planning of strategies and attacks on the enemy fort. I even felt the thrill of personally capturing the enemy flag, racing with it through a volley of paintballs and diving over the wall, into the safety of our fort. I was very pleased with myself.

Later, both teams sat around a huge campfire and had dinner. I soon forgot who was on which team, and the act of capturing the flag shrank into insignificance.

My experience with paintball showed me that underneath my fear and judgment of competition was a love of competition. This is not surprising. We often judge and fear what we secretly desire. Likewise, once we fully recognize how we enjoy competition, we discover the desire to relate to others beyond competition. When the competitive instinct is expressed honestly, it wants to evolve into intimacy. In other words, the element that creates intimacy (the "seed" of intimacy) is already present in the competitive nature. That element is passion.

Competition & Passion

I once listened to a speaker who stated that men are driven by the desire to compete, while women are driven by the desire to form intimate relationships and are, therefore, spiritually more highly evolved than men. Many of the people in the room objected to such a sexist idea. They became rebellious and angry, which, apparently, was the intention of the speaker. He also stated that one of the ways men form deep friendships is by first engaging in competition, especially physical competition. This, according to him, is why women are superior; they have the remarkable ability to bond with one another without having to kill each other first.

The above generalization about men and woman is just that - a generalization. None-the-less, it is a useful generalization that highlights an important point. If we (men and women) reject or suppress our desire to compete, we block the road to intimacy. If we try to create intimacy by denying our competitive tendencies, we sabotage intimacy.

Competition is one way of expressing vitality and individuality. In attempting to purge ourselves of competition because we have judged it as inferior to intimacy, we also cut off the flow of our lively self-expression. The result is that intimacy goes out the window.

We are often quick to discard the fighter within us, unaware that the combative spirit has within it the potential for genuine acts of caring and affection. It's like a chunk of metal ore that we might overlook because it looks rough and dirty, and so, we do not see that it contains gold. In our quest for love and intimacy, we (especially men) have performed a funny dance. We discard the fighter, wash our hands, make ourselves look pretty, and then approach the goddess of love, and ask, "Where do I find intimacy"? And, she serenely responds, "It is in the ground, exactly where you buried it."

To be intimate means we bring into the relationship all aspects of ourselves, including the part that likes to compete. If we keep that part secret, it competes in secret. If we hide that part in shame, it manifests in a way that brings shame. If it is rejected, it expresses itself in a way that creates rejection. If we think it to be destructive and malicious, it manifests in a destructive and malicious way. If we think that it is useless, it manifests in a way that causes us to feel useless. If we express it cleanly and honestly, it evolves into intimacy.

Competition & Self-Knowledge

The hidden motivation for competition is the desire for self-knowledge. In everyday life, we define ourselves by comparing ourselves to others. Competition provides us with the opportunity to experience ourselves in contrast to others. Once we experience ourselves in this manner, the natural progression is to know ourselves within the context of intimate relationship.

A major reason we might linger too long in the competitive mode is that we judge it harshly. On the other hand, if we simply recognize the competitive drive and allow it to unfold naturally, it evolves into the passion for self-knowledge and a desire to bring the knowledge into intimate relationship.  

Compromise

Compromise is the middle ground between competition and complementarity. In a compromise, each side accepts less than full satisfaction in order to accommodate the other.

Compromise works best when each side has values that cannot be compromised. In everyday life, this looks like the willingness to compromise by first refusing to compromise one's personal truth. Compromising truth generally means we are truthful only if it makes us look good or somehow gives us power over others. When we do this, our efforts to compromise break down. We might experience short-term success, but we eventually become unsettled on the inside, and things tend to fall apart on the outside.

When we are mindful of our deeper values, compromise tends to work. Though we make concessions, there is no feeling of having been cheated or deprived. We can happily haggle over prices and logistics, but regardless of the outcome, there is peace because we have not compromised or otherwise sacrificed the pearl of great price. In fact, when we refuse to compromise the pearl of great price, it seems to shine more brightly, emitting a powerful and inexhaustible energy that galvanizes our thinking and enlivens our relationships.

Covert Competition

It is important to emphasize that accepting the competitive instinct does not mean that we merely tolerate its presence, as we might tolerate a naughty child. We are speaking here of a gut-level knowing that we really appreciate it.

If such integration of competition does not occur, we invariably try to get rid of it. However, since there is no place to put it outside of ourselves, "getting rid of it" translates into putting it somewhere within ourselves where it can't be seen. In other words, it becomes covert or unconscious.

When competition becomes unconscious, its power multiplies. It silently takes dominion. It frequently shows up as passive aggressive behavior. We smile sweetly and compete silently; disguising it as service, religious piety, altruism and other forms of spiritual one-upmanship.  

Redirecting Competition

Just as covert competition is insidiously destructive, excessive competition has the obvious disadvantage of destroying both parties. Or, they might just replay the scene again and again until they finally catch on.

When we begin to allow competition to evolve into intimacy, we find clever ways of expressing our competitive instinct, so that, rather than destroying one or both parties, it leaves a legacy of relationship. Rather than having gladiators fight to the death, we have football games and pie eating contests. Rather than having feudal wars among power-hungry dukes who plunder each other's treasure, we have colleges competing for trophies and stealing each other’s mascots. Rather than having a duel to the death, we have philosophical debates and games of ping-pong. These are all ingenious methods of recognizing the competitive spirit and allowing ourselves to experience it free of harsh judgment, so that its power and potency can evolve into genuine expressions of intimacy.

Beyond Competition

Though most of us have some degree of competitiveness, it is possible to virtually transcend it. In the presence of such a rare individual, the competitive nature within us can do what it secretly yearns to do; it relaxes, for it does not feel diminished or harshly judged by such a master. There is no hidden message of "I'm better than you because you're competitive and I'm not." Obviously, such a hidden message can only be sent by someone who is very competitive and is in denial of it. One who is genuinely non-competitive sends a different non-verbal message: we are equal.

Chapter 3

Duality and Singularity

To be in duality is to perceive opposites. To be in singularity (1) is to experience unity. These two qualities dance together in the mind, each contributing to our everyday experience of life. The perception of duality occurs through thinking. Whether we are aware of it or not, we mentally understand something by comparing it to its opposite. Singularity is more of a feeling.

The perception of duality allows us to compete, complement, analyze, discern and set goals. Singularity cannot do any of these, for it does not recognize anything outside of self. There is nowhere to go because all is here. There is nothing to do because everything simply is. Singularity does not say, “There is duality and here am I, singularity.” It does not say, “I am in a sublime state of unity, and that poor slob out there is stuck in duality.” One must be in duality to reject duality. One must be in duality to even speak it.

Unity within Diversity

The awareness of singularity flavors our perception of duality with feelings of thankfulness, humility and compassion. These echoes of primordial unity reverberate through the mind, allowing us to contemplate the many forms of humanity (the rich, the poor, the hero, and the villain) with understanding and a sense of equality or kinship. This personal memory of unity is silent, but if it could speak, it might say something like, “I love being alive and I love life in its diversity!”

(1) The term, singularity, is borrowed from astronomy. It is the mathematical expression for a point in space where there is no space in the usual sense. A singularity has no here or there, now or then. It is a point where time and space have merged into something beyond time and space, as we know them.

From Duality to Singularity

The notion that we are moving along a continuum from duality into singularity has meaning only in duality. Once we “shift” into the full-blown awareness of singularity, we perceive that we really haven’t gone anywhere. There was no race, and no one came in first. In other words, when our experience of unity is strong enough, the numbered scale used to measure our progress no longer has any meaning. Neither would we entertain the idea that one person is farther along than another.

On the other hand, as long as duality is real to us, so is the notion of progress. Therefore, the mind in duality wants to know, “How do I increase my awareness of primordial unity?” As suggested above, unity is commonly experienced in everyday life as an appreciation of diversity. Therefore, we can invite a deeper awareness of unity just by cultivating the capacity to appreciate everyday life. When singularity is experienced in the world of duality, the bus driver has as much intrinsic value as the king; the prostitute is as holy as the priest.

In fact, one reason most of us cannot sustain the state of timeless bliss of “the unity Beyond Opposites” is the lingering perception that it is better or more important than doing laundry, driving to work or telling your friend that you feel sad or angry. In other words, one of the ways that we are pulled into the mundane drama of duality is through our tendency to devalue it. On the other hand, when our perception of duality and subtle experience of Unity are balanced, they support each other and work together to promote clear thinking and emotional serenity.

There are many accounts of near-death experiences in which the almost-departed soul feels the overwhelming presence of cosmic love and peace beyond duality. When they were compelled to go back to Earth, they become disappointed or even angry. Why did they have to return? In so many words, they were told they have work to do. The nature of the work, stripped down to its essence, is to move beyond the judgment that the grandness of there is better than the smallness of here.

Neutrality

Experiencing the oneness beyond duality does not mean we become neutral. Neutrality is just another way of being in duality. Neutrality is literally in the middle of opposing forces.

Neutral is zero; singularity is infinity. Neutrality is neither; singularity is both and beyond both. Neutrality sees the two opposing forces as mutually exclusive; singularity sees them as inseparable. Neutrality sees incompatibility; singularity sees that one side contains the other. Neutrality perceives that one side can defeat the other; singularity recognizes that whatever is done to one is done to both. Neutrality is the impartial judge; singularity does not judge for it sees no separation. Neutrality says, “I don’t care who wins,” Singularity says, “I care about both, for I am both.” Neutrality might show up as the earnest attempt to forgive sins; singularity is the awareness that there never was any sin. Neutrality can show up as indecision; singularity is a quiet certainty that needs no validation. Neutrality is emotionless; singularity is the deep and silent tranquility at the core of all emotions. In everyday life, neutrality is reached by being disengaged, propped squarely between two polarities. Singularity is experienced by being fully engaged, going all the way to one side with deep sincerity, which allows us to organically bring forth the seed of the other.

In fact, the inner call to go beyond duality compels us to move beyond neutrality. As long as we remain neutral on any two opposing views, we cannot discover that one is contained within the other; we do not experience the birth of one within the other. Perhaps this explains the wisdom of the biblical passage that advises us to be hot or cold, but not lukewarm.

The Value of Neutrality

At the risk of being at odds with the Bible, there is value in being lukewarm or neutral. In fact, if we wish to move beyond neutrality, we must first know and appreciate its value.

As long as we honestly perceive duality, neutrality has value. Neutrality is a useful discipline; it is an exercise in objectivity. If we sincerely do not know the solution to a given issue, the honest thing to do is to gather data so we can be fair to both sides, as any honest judge or true scientist would do. This is the act of being consciously neutral

To be consciously neutral is different from being unconsciously neutral. To be unconsciously neutral means we are stuck in neutral. We do it, not out of choice, but out of fear and self-doubt. We want to choose or make a change but are afraid to do so. This condition of immobility is a far cry from the deep stillness that occurs when we feel internally unified. Such deep stillness is energizing because it is associated with the harmony of inner opposites. The immobility of being stuck in neutral is debilitating because, like any inner conflict, it depletes our energy.

On the other hand, conscious neutrality is a skill that requires attention, thoughtfulness, and humility. For example, while I was in my office, I happened to overhear a phone conversation in the adjacent room. My friend and colleague was acting as the mediator in a fight between a husband and wife. Let’s call them “Jane” and “Bob.” My friend, while speaking to one of the warring parties, declared that he was perfectly neutral and was not interested in taking sides. He spoke for quite a while on this, making a strong point of his neutral stance. Later that day he spoke with another close friend to whom he passingly said, “Bob is having a problem with Jane.”

Interesting choice of words: “Bob is having a problem with Jane,” instead of, “Bob and Jane are having a problem.” I brought this to my friend’s attention. He looked inside and discovered that he did have an emotional leaning toward Bob. After a moment of embarrassment, he laughed about it.

The same honesty that recognizes the value of neutrality and the mindfulness that is required to be neutral also sets us free to acknowledge our genuine bias. Such freedom allows us to eventually feel the truth of the other side. To feel the truth of both sides simultaneously is to perceive duality, while experiencing singularity.

Part II

The Inner Dance

Chapter 4

Old Brain and New Brain

We perceive duality by thinking. We experience unity by feeling. Thinking allows us to separate things. Feeling allows us to bring things together. Normal waking consciousness is a blend of thinking and feeling.

The correlation of duality with thinking and of unity with feeling is crudely reflected in the anatomy of the brain. The cerebrum, or new brain, houses the capacity to think, discern, dissect, analyze and compare. The brainstem, or old brain, contains centers for our animal desires and instincts.

The cerebrum consists of two well-defined hemispheres that seem to grow out of the brainstem. The two-pronged cerebrum and the singular brainstem may be visualized as the letter Y. The cerebral hemispheres are like the upper branches of the letter Y and the brainstem is like the base.

The “Y” Model of the Brain

Cerebral hemispheres

Y Brainstem

The lower end of the brainstem, often called the old reptilian brain, integrates and unifies our vital body functions. The upper end of the brainstem interfaces with the cerebrum to generate the full spectrum of our everyday human emotions.

By virtue of the numerous connections between the cerebrum and brain stem, the two are functionally united. Our logical thoughts are influenced by the impulses that emerge from the brainstem. Likewise, our animal urges are influenced by the thoughts emerging from the cerebrum.

The smooth operation of the cerebrum is dependent on the smooth operation of the brainstem, and vice versa. The two interact in a seemingly infinite variety of ways to create the unique tapestry of physical and psychological qualities of the individual.

Cut Off

As in other dualities, if we value the thinking of the new brain over the feelings and instincts of the old brain, or vice versa, the one that is regarded as inferior becomes the secret ruler. In this case, the separation is often described as a "cutting off" of our rational thinking from our feelings. In reality, this is impossible without seriously endangering physical survival. However, the two can become somewhat dissociated. This happens when the thinking of the new brain represses or censors the instincts and urges of the old brain. As a result, the discerning power of the cerebrum becomes cold, calculating, intellectual tyranny and harsh judgment, while the instincts and urges of the brain stem translate into hysteria and chaos. These two “opposing” states can exist only in the presence of each other. Each is the result of lack of harmony between the animal (feeling) experience of the brainstem from the human (thinking) experience of the cerebrum.

In Western cultures, this inner split is personified as Satan, often shown as a two-horned beast. The two horns represent duality, and the ferocious animal/human face represents the primordial impulses that have become monstrous because they were rejected, subjugated and exploited by the human intellect.

Reunited

The two parts of the brain are reintegrated when the cerebrum recognizes the feelings rising out of the brainstem. The cerebrum uses its power of discernment to simply report the truth of those feelings.

The harmonious blending of human discernment of the new brain with the primordial impulses of the old brain results in the everyday experiences of kindness, respect and integrity. The integration deepens as the new brain cultivates the ability to be still, so that it can listen more deeply to the echoes of singularity rising up as feelings from the old brain. Such a deeper integration of the new and old brain may translate into religious ecstasy, transpersonal bliss, timeless peace and a sense of connection with the rest of life.

The Three Healers

In everyday life, there are three ways of promoting inner integration: truthfulness, stillness and loving touch. These three activities support the brain in integrating itself and integrating all opposing functions within. This is how we create wholeness of the body and mind. Wholeness shows up tangibly as vibrant health, mental clarity and emotional serenity.