Get Out of Your Boxx!
Mary Jo Fay
Illustrated by Janice Green
Out of the Boxx, Inc.
Parker, Colorado
Copyright © 2003 by Mary Jo Fay
All rights reserved, including the right of reproduction in whole or in part in any form without written permission from the author except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews. No liability is assumed for damages that may result from the use of information within this book..
Smashwords Edition, License Notes
This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each person you share it with. If you’re reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then you should return to Smashwords.com and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.
For more information contact www.outoftheboxx.com
Cover design by Janice Green
To Mom - for understanding.
To Dad - for teaching me to ride.
To Shaun - for being incredible.
and
To Barb and Sara, the most awesome cheerleaders I’ve ever had!
AUTHOR’S NOTE
Little did I know when I sat down to write this book, how much it might touch my readers. Certainly I hoped that my discoveries could help others avoid pitfalls in their lives, or would perhaps light a spark that would send them off in a new, positive direction.
I received the following letter within a month of the first printing. I was overwhelmed that my words, given to me by a power much larger than I, meant something to someone, and I knew that her words needed to be part of subsequent printings.
Thank you, Lori, for sharing.
Dear Mary Jo,
Here’s what your book has meant to me. It was difficult for me to break down my thoughts, so I just wrote them down as they are, which is something I learned through this process as well… especially now that I understand how important the power of words really is!
Finally someone wrote an encouraging, easy-to-understand self-help book that lets you know that you are not alone. It not only has perfect examples of different situations, it gave me the tools I needed to get through my issues, such as:
·It taught me how to take care of myself first before I can take care of anyone else.
·It made me find the confidence to take risks in my life, which I never did before, and to take those new risks safely and to build my self-esteem along the way.
·It helped me to not only identify my boxxes, but how to sort them out. I have never experienced the different avenues that life offers as boxxes, but through this book, I have learned how to open the boxxes in my life and start my new journey.
I was engrossed in this book and found it to be exciting, encouraging, and uplifting, so much that it was difficult for me to put it down, and I found myself comparing what I had read to the different trials in my life on a daily basis.
My feelings about this book are very real and emotional, and it is difficult to explain everything I've obtained from reading it. But it has certainly helped my life in more ways than the therapy that I have endured. I finally feel understood by someone!
Thank you, Mary Jo. Your book completely and whole-heartedly changed my life for the better.
You are my inspiration! Please get on with the next one. Never have I ever felt so in touch with someone whom I have never even met. I hope that my thoughts will help you in some way too.
Thanks again,
Lori, age 38
GET OUT OF YOUR BOXX!
And Live the Life You Really Want…
But First Don’t Forget to
Drive the Carpool,
Call Your Client,
and Make Love to Your Spouse!
Acknowledgements
There are so many people who have helped me along this book’s journey. It has been a labor of love … not just my own labor, but that of many others whose love and support has shown through each and every step of the way.
The biggest thanks go to my sister Barb Walker and my friend, Sara Coley. What started out as a “Success Team” nearly seven years ago, has become the strongest network of cheerleaders, supporters, and incredible women I have ever known. Their time reading and editing this book was over and above the call of duty. Their suggestions and critiques helped make it what it is. Their ongoing belief in me and support during some dark times in my life have gotten me where I am today. I owe them everything.
To my awesome daughter, Shaun, I give thanks for her understanding of my journey. In addition, her sensitivity and insight regarding some of my early columns gave me a new approach, which runs throughout this book. (“Quit preaching to others Mom, and proclaim your own stuff as well!”) I am so proud of her! She has been my best friend for many years and that gift has helped me through many difficult times. It is such a pleasure now to watch her on her own journey.
My mom has been incredible as she has learned to understand my mission and respect the path I have chosen. It has been a learning process for both of us, and I want to thank her from the bottom of my heart for her support. I know how difficult it was at times.
Then, there were the variety of movers and shakers: Janice Green who provided the fabulous artwork and had unending patience with me. Joe Sabah, who gave me a swift kick in the butt to get this project off the ground in the first place. Steve Eldridge of the Denver Nursing Star for providing me with my first writing outlet. Scott Laudenslager, of Kimco printing for his support and technical pieces of information that sent me in the right direction. And to all the readers who gave me input, commentary and editorializing. Thanks to all of you.
There were many emotional supporters too: Kris Garrett was an angel of support. My incredible friend Jose Juan Azpiazu helped me find the courage to believe in myself. Scott Olsen listened and shared his questions and philosophy with me for hours on end. Thanks for being my guinea pig! And Sheila Martin for giving me my first speaking opportunity as well as for being an intense reviewer and a great friend.
Special thanks to Sam Vaknin and Marilyn Van Derber, whose books were incredibly valuable to me personally. Hopefully with their insights, my writing will also help educate others to the dangers of living with narcissism and sexual abuse.
And to my dog Asher, who kept me company during many hours of writing. His need for regular attention and a quick round of fetch helped get my brain recharged whenever I hit a slow spot. His unconditional love and sensitivity was irreplaceable. He is my greatest fan.
To Dr. Joe, Rangel, Sand Dollar Sports and all my other supporters in Mexico who helped me through some tough times. And to all the people who believed in my mission and never let me slack off – thank you to all of you.
But mostly, to so many people who shared their personal stories with me, I will be forever in your debt. Without you, this book would not exist. Your candor and openness led me down paths I never dreamed of. Hopefully, from your stories of pain and success, others will grow as well.
And to all of you who have already contacted me telling me that I have made a difference – you will never know what that means to me. My mission meant something …
Contents
Part One The Road To Discovery
1. Running Away From Home
2. Rediscovering The World Of Possibilities
3. What Boxx ?
Part Two Identifying Your Boxxes
4. Fear: The Biggest Boxx Of All
5. “I Can’t, I Should, I Have To !”
6. Boxxed In By Your Past
7. The Oh-So-Perfect Boxx
8. Workaholism And The Wrong Career The Treadmill Boxxes
9. A Weighty Boxx
10. The Unfulfilling Empty Boxx
11. The Sex Boxx – The Good, The Bad, And The Ugly
12. Deadly, Secret Boxxes
13. So Many Boxxes, So Little Time
14. Are You Boxxing With Denial?
Part Three Trapped By Someone Else’s Boxx
15. The Expectations Of Others
16. Narcissism Boxxed In By The “Master Of The Universe”
Part Four Breaking Down The Walls
17. The Investigation Leads To . . .
18. If Not Now, When ?
19. Your Plan of Attack!
20. Your Powerful Weapons
21. Sabotage or Success?
22. It’s Your Journey …
More Out Of The Boxx Possibilities
What is a Boxx?
Different than a regular box a “Boxx” is a behavioral pattern that holds its captive hostage, limiting the view of life’s possibilities, excitements, and passions!
“Today is the first day of the BEST of your life!" Barb Walker
Part One The Road To Discovery
Ever feel like you’re “Stuck in a Boxx?” Caught on an endless treadmill? Life’s ups and downs, combined with the daily stress of the “speed of light” pace of our American culture can leave people feeling as if they live inside a tornado each and every day! Keeping up with kids, job, relationships, courtship and love, responsibilities, bill paying, time constraints, and Little League practice can leave most of us exhausted, frustrated, and downright frazzled! Who has time for taking care of yourself when there doesn’t even seem to be time to breathe?!
That was me. Overstressed. Overtaxed. Overwhelmed. Over the edge! I was caught in a frantic maze called life and didn’t know how to survive, until I got Out of My Boxx! This is the story of my journey and the discoveries I uncovered along the way. One of the most important lessons I learned was that the road to self-discovery frequently proves to be a wild ride, and mine was no exception! I hope by sharing my story with you that you might find some nuggets of information to spark a flame in you on your own journey; that you too can find more excitement, more fun, more satisfaction, and more pure passion in your life than you ever dreamed possible! And that you can find it without weathering some of the storms I did!
So, if you can slow your life down long enough to pass on the carpool this once, return your client’s phone calls later, and tell your sweetheart you’ll make love in just a little while, you might find a spark somewhere in these pages that can make your small flame explode into fireworks that can change your life! Get off your treadmill! Get Out of Your Boxx! Figure out how to do it and still juggle all those things you do, because they’re not going away anytime soon!
If you’re still convinced you don’t have time, then let me ask you this: If not now, when? Ten years from now, if you’re still living on the treadmill, frantically running like a crazed hamster, how will you feel? If ten years from now you still haven’t taken the time to take care of yourself, how frustrated will you be? Ten years from now, will you ask yourself why you wasted so much time doing the “same old, same old” stuff everyday? Why you didn’t spend your life doing the things you REALLY wanted to do? So, I ask you again. If not now, when? When is it time to take care of YOU first, for a change?
My journey taught me that the time is now! Each day is a gift! To waste even one is a terrible loss. But I had to learn all these lessons the hard way. So, hang onto your seats, as the road is bumpy and starts out in a pit of despair that seems without escape. I assure you, it has a happy ending!
“Life is either a daring adventure or nothing.”
Helen Keller
Chapter 1 Running Away From Home
As I look back upon everything now, it all makes so much more sense. Yet, at the time I was writing my own suicide letter it seemed hopeless, deafeningly silent, endlessly painful, and without reason. A deep, dark, void where I was suspended in chronic confusion and self-doubt, and cloaked in a blanket of not feeling valuable to anyone in my life.
The depression I had fought for months had taken its toll on me. It had worn me down for a very long time, little by little, without me even realizing it. Then, when even bigger life events came along, the straws began to break the camel’s back, although they seemed more like logs than straws at the time and they came in multiples.
First of all, I had been in marriage counseling with my husband for four, long years. (That, in itself, would leave most struggling for some sense of stability and security.) Secondly, at the beginning of September, I had sent my only child off to college. Third, only days after that, the tragedies of September 11 hit every person in this country, unlike anything we had ever seen. Fourth, to top everything off, after planning to file for divorce for several weeks, I finally took that tentative but necessary step, on October 5. I held my breath, hoping that I was making the right decision.
The result? By November, there was little left of me. Predictably, the stress only continued to mount with the added strain of a relationship in transition. Walking away from a 23- year marriage was not done lightly, nor without guilt, baggage, and second thoughts.
Yet, perhaps the most profound shock of the enormous pile of “stuff” I was juggling was that when my daughter left for college I lost my best friend, and at a time when I was in the lowest place in my life. I never realized that her leaving and cutting the “apron strings,” would hit me so hard. Although she was still geographically nearby, I felt the additional distance of the typical “independence dance” that occurs between teenagers and their parents. It left me feeling rebuffed, irrational, and incompetent.
The words I wrote in that suicide letter were horrible. Words that were meant not only to wound, but to leave lifelong scars and vivid memories. My heart was so shredded that I couldn’t think of anyone else at that point only the extreme pain that I was carrying inside me. Pain from years of unhappiness. Of not feeling loved. Of feeling worthless and empty. Of striving to do my best but just never quite feeling like I could do anything right. Or that what I did do never mattered to anyone. This, in spite of life-long accomplishments too numerous to mention.
Tears streamed down my face and gut-wrenching sobs filled me as I wrote words that I knew would hurt everyone I loved. I had held in my anger and my pain for so long that it came in a tidal wave more powerful than I could control. My hands almost felt possessed as I kept pouring out my feelings on the keyboard, advising the survivors which music to play at my funeral … “Why Have You Gotta Be Angry All the Time,” by Tim McGraw, and “I Learned That From You,” by Sara Evans. They felt like my theme songs. I wanted everyone at my funeral to understand their messages.
I kept debating on the method to take my own life. I felt so vengeful that I wanted to make as big a statement as possible. I had always thought that carbon monoxide would be the most “civil” route available and wouldn’t leave much of a mess for anyone to clean up. (There I was, worrying about everyone else first again!) But at that moment, I highly considered sitting in the middle of the kitchen floor and slitting my wrists and letting my blood color everything … leaving a huge mess for someone to clean up. It just seemed a powerful, final statement. As a friend of mine commented later, “the overwhelming act of revenge.” It seemed fitting.
Yet, somehow in those moments of tears, pain, sobs, and depression, a little voice in me begged for life. Begged me not to quit. Pleaded with me to let the love for my child win out over the pain in my heart. She should not have to carry that monumental burden with her for the rest of her life. It was more than anyone should have to bear no matter how terrible I felt. What she had never truly understood was how many times she had already saved my life over the years during my intermittent battles with depression. I had considered suicide on many occasions, but knowing I would be leaving a young child without a mother was the strongest lifeline that she could have given me.
Suddenly, my sobs turned into screams as I realized that I must continue living. I cried out at the top of my lungs in the middle of the night although no one heard me except God and the dog.
I really don’t know how the next steps happened. I just suddenly knew I needed to make some kind of serious change or I would only return to this spot sometime in the future – it was only a matter of time. Whether I would actually take my own life, or be in such an oblivious state of mind that I drove headlong into traffic, or simply curled up and died of depression, I didn’t know. What I did know was that I must do something different immediately or I would be dead within a handful of months, at the rate I was going.
So how did I change my life? What happened to change my path after I wrote that suicide letter?
Well, I started listening to my heart and being true to MYSELF, first and foremost. I realized I had been living in some very confining, claustrophobic, high expectation “boxxes” and it had been slowly killing me. I had defined myself by my roles, my job, my volunteer work, my marriage, my daughter, my horses, my truck, and even my house and miscellaneous possessions. I had been doing things for everybody else in hopes that it would make others love me more when, in fact, I hadn’t been true to ME first. I just hadn’t realized that yet. And so – I decided to Get Out of My Boxx! I don’t think I actually knew any of that at the time it was simply a “knee-jerk response.” My “fight or flight” mechanism kicked into gear, as it often did. Yet, this time it said something different than usual. It said, “Go far away … go VERY far away.” The actual lessons of the boxxes developed over a much longer time.
I tell people that I “ran away from home.” I guess I felt that since I never did that as a child, I was fully entitled to do so as a grown-up. My daughter was in college so I was past the responsibility of daily mothering. I had already filed for divorce and therefore had no one to be accountable to at home. I realized just how tired I was of living in a relationship where I felt empty and unfulfilled. My part-time job I knew I could replace with another elsewhere. It occurred to me that all those pieces had fallen into place for a reason and I recognized that it was time I became responsible for taking care of ME. I HAD to put me first. Immediately. Before it was too late.
Fortunately, I was blessed with some good friends who recognized the seriousness of my depression although I don’t think even they knew how truly “on the brink” I was. They asked me if I had a credit card, if I had any “room” on it, and if I wouldn’t like to go somewhere for a while. After saying yes to all of the above, they asked me where I would like to go for a week and as it was November in Colorado, I answered, “somewhere warm where I can scuba dive.”
The end result was that I went on a week-long vacation to Cozumel, Mexico. By myself. Alone. Mind you, I had traveled by myself dozens of times before on business. Yet, this trip was different. This one was with a new definition to begin with – I was not on business, but on vacation. A single woman on vacation By Herself! The entire concept felt very weird. What would people say? I didn’t know whether to be excited, or nervous, or worried about what “everyone else would think.”
The weight of stress which I carried like an anvil around my neck immediately lifted upon arriving in that wonderful, tropical paradise with its sunshine, surf, and sea. I suddenly felt like I was being swaddled in a warm blanket on a freezing, cold night. This haven not only provided life sustaining warmth but that special comfort of snuggling down and feeling safe. Even though on one hand, I was this person who was an incredible bundle of nerves, at the same time I felt like someone incognito. Someone on a secret mission. Someone who no one knew. Someone who could be who I wanted to be without needing anyone else’s permission or acceptance. There was no one there to tell me I should or shouldn’t do this or that. It was like being reborn. Ironically, it was Thanksgiving Day, 2001. If that wasn’t an omen from God, then I didn’t know what was!
I found an incredible peace in Cozumel that gave me hope. Actually, I suddenly felt a closeness to God that I had never experienced in my life. My first night there, I sat all alone on the beach at midnight. The stars were crystal clear. The moon was full. The sound of the gentle waves lapping at the sand at my feet was almost deafeningly quiet. And in that quiet, I truly had an epiphany.
It’s probably important to note here, that before this time, God and I weren’t on the greatest of terms. Yes, I believed in God and had been indoctrinated in all the church functions growing up, but I guess I had “blamed” God for some bad things that had happened in my life and I hadn’t really gone out of my way to be friends with him.
In that moment on the beach, I was knocked over by the most gentle, but powerful of messages. I truly believe that God said to me,
“OK, Mary Jo. You know that story of how God only gives you as much as you can carry? Well, I realize that I pushed you right to the edge of that limit, but you passed the test with flying colors! I know you wonder why your life has been so hard for a while. Well, first of all, I really needed you and your husband to come together to create your daughter. I have a special job for her and I needed the qualities that both of you brought to the table to make her into the beautiful person that she is, and I needed you to raise her to adulthood. Now it’s time for her to be on her own path and it’s your time to take care of you. And by the way, when you’re done with that – and feel free to take whatever time you need – I have a special job for you too.”
I felt a relief like I have never felt in my life. The incredible message that came loud and clear to me gave me a new strength. A strength which helped me start to know the answers. I let go of so much “stuff” I had carried around that wasn’t even mine. From that moment on, I didn’t know exactly what my mission was, but I did understand that I had to take care of ME 100 percent because I was truly valuable and important!
I realized that in order to have a different result in my life, I had to do something different to begin with. The answer came so easily I knew I had to jump off my treadmill and do something so radical that it would make a major change in my life. For a fleeting moment I had the vision of some early explorer who burned his ships so that his soldiers couldn’t rethink their decision to explore the New World and decide to return home!
I sensed that the overwhelming feeling of safety I had felt in Cozumel was given to me for a reason. I also knew all too well, that the gloom of the winter in the States only added to my chronic depression. It was a battle I fought every winter. Considering that it was early December, I could plan on a lot of snowy, cold, and dreary months ahead. The Cozumel sunshine called to me like the mother of any newborn creature. I knew in my heart that my recovery would occur fastest in this new paradise where I felt right at home.
So I went home, packed my bags, and told my friends I was going to move to Cozumel for six months of healing. Everyone immediately thought I was crazy. At first, I don’t think they took me seriously. After all, it was going on Christmastime and everyone was getting wrapped up with their own holiday issues and since I looked calmer, they felt that I was back on solid ground and would simply get on with my life. I think they thought, “Yeah, everyone says they’re going to move to paradise when they come home from someplace great. She’ll get over it.” But as I began to make plans for my decision to escape the American rat race and head somewhere beyond my usual, safe environment, they slowly started believing me.
I have to give my friends credit for not trying to stop me, although I did keep my eyes open, just in case someone decided that I truly was losing my mind and they should call the loony bin to take me away! (I actually wondered for a moment, if I could be committed by my concerned family for this “insane” maneuver!) Yet, I give them all my sincere thanks for having enough faith in me to know what was right for me at the time. I will always remember my mother especially, as she and another friend dropped me off at the airport. She cried as if she would never see me again. (I could just envision the nightmares she might have of guerilla soldiers dragging me off into some remote Mexican jungle, never to be seen again! How could she know that Cozumel is 100 percent tourist paradise since she’d never been there?) She showed huge strength at that moment, for which I will always be thankful.
What I learned on this journey was astounding! I had no car, no mail, no phone and no companion. I could be whoever I wanted to be, and as a 5’10” blonde with short, spiky hair, I definitely stood out in the crowd from the short, Mayan natives! I didn’t speak Spanish and felt the awkwardness of being a foreigner in another’s land. I spent many times in the midst of a group of people, all laughing and joking, and I hadn’t a clue as to what they were talking about. Things as simple as getting my hair cut when I didn’t speak the language was interesting, at best! I had to start asking people for help and learn to trust along the way.
I got a job at a hotel in a capacity similar to that of a concierge, and worked six days a week for peanuts. I rode the bus to and from work each day, standing out like a sore thumb as the only American amongst a sea of brown faces on short bodies. I cried a lot. I thought a lot. I slept a lot. I sat on the beach and talked to God a lot. But the best thing I did was to put life into perspective. Needless to say, it didn’t happen overnight.
So many of my belief systems slowly came tumbling down, brick by brick, as I spent time living in a culture without the fast-paced, materialistic, “what everybody else thinks” philosophy Americans are surrounded by every day. I began to realize that my life didn’t define me – rather, that I defined my life! It wasn’t the job I held, the house I lived in, the vehicle I drove, the furniture I owned, or the friends I kept. My life was being true to myself and doing what was right for me. I had to learn to love and take care of myself first before I could love or care for anyone else. I also had to start understanding all the boxxes that had trapped me for so long and had sucked the very life out of me. They began to reveal themselves to me over time and I really started to slowly comprehend how they had affected me in three major areas of my life: my career, my relationships and my health.
The amazing part was that once I started unraveling the idea about “Getting Out of the Boxx,” I began to do a small research project of my own. Not real scientific research, mind you, just observational research. I started studying the Americans who came to Cozumel on vacation and I tried to guess which boxxes I thought they lived in! It was eye-opening and sad at the same time. So many people, unhappy or unfulfilled in their day-to-day life, seem to think that if they only go away on vacation, everything will be just fine! The truth is whatever their reality is in their “real” life, is the same reality no matter where they go. They just take it with them. I saw so many sad, unhappy, fearful, hateful, depressed people on vacation. Oh yes, many of them wear some great masks, but they can’t hide what’s inside. Many walk on eggshells around each other. I watched couples eat together and not ever speak. I saw fathers ignore their children on entire vacations. I witnessed single, lonely individuals begging to be loved. And I could just about tell you after a while, exactly which boxxes they lived in.
Besides my work on “boxx recognition,” my healing continued in other ways. It took time to let my mind be “quiet enough” to hear my inner voice that had been “boxxed” up for so long; the voice that had been trying to tell me for years just what my true life passions were. I had always known that helping people had been a driving force for me. Certainly, that had contributed to my becoming a nurse to begin with. Yet this voice was demanding that I provide more than just physical care to people’s bodies. I kept realizing that the life experiences I had gleaned could perhaps help others in some way. My love of teaching had always been a passion. Standing up in front of a live audience was always like a huge jolt of adrenaline for me. It didn’t matter what the topic was – give me two thousand people and a topic I knew inside and out, and I was a happy camper. Although I had lectured for many organizations, even at some national conventions, I had never really found an ongoing outlet for this side of my nature.
I also rediscovered my passion for writing. Perhaps rediscovered isn’t the right word, for I have written odds and ends of things for years. Maybe the more appropriate description is that I finally found something to write about that I was passionate about the message being so strong that it drove me to stay up until all hours of the night, pouring the words out onto the paper. I had had enough foresight to purchase a used laptop computer to take with me to Cozumel. With it I journaled my daily adventures each night before bed, which were the original steps towards writing this book.
The message soon became clear to me. My mission from God was to teach others how to “live outside their boxxes,” no matter what their labels, their history, their faith, or their personal stories. No, I don’t expect them to “run away from home” like I did. Rather, I want to give them tools to help them see the powerful person within and all the possibilities that await each of us in life, if only we are open to them.
By living outside their self-limiting “boxxes” people can be true to themselves, and love themselves, so they can grow and give love in return. I want them to find the passion in their lives and not just the darkness, or the boredom, or the dull routine. I hope they can remember the excitement that used to drive them out of bed every morning when they were children the excitement we all once had in the great anticipation of what wonderful possibilities might be awaiting.
I wake up every morning now, thanking God for each and every wonderful day. I also believe even more strongly in the statement that God gives you only as much as he knows you can handle and no more. I know now that He had a plan for me for a long time – I just had to find it.
My hope for you is that reading this might light a small spark in you to find your true direction in the journey you are on by learning to get out of your boxxes, whatever they might be. You might be dealing with some big issues, or you may have lived a charmed life and all is working well, but your mission might be to always find a way to make each day even more wonderful and fulfilling. Regardless, I invite you to study and examine your boxxes, and decide which path is calling you. Once you know how to break down the walls of your roadblocks, you will discover your best life ever and the many, many possibilities that await you along the way!
Happy traveling and God bless!
“I was dirt-poor, blind, you name it. Yet, here I am today.”
Ray Charles
Chapter 2 Rediscovering The World Of Possibilities
First of all, let me explain that I am not a trained therapist, minister, or a life coach. I have no research statistics that prove anything you are about to read. I am just one person who has gone on a journey of personal growth in a rather non-traditional manner. That journey changed my life. The thoughts I am sharing with you are my own personal beliefs about life and some of the challenges that life often hands us. This belief system may speak to you, or it may not. Either way is OK. My hope for you is that you find something that works for you. We are so fortunate to live in a time when there are hundreds of powerful messages surrounding us as we seek our own direction on our journeys through life. My wish for you is that you find one that fits your heart and mind and spirit.
“Getting Out of the Boxx” is all about recognizing the many possibilities that await you in life. It is a way of looking at things differently. Of taking your blinders off. Of opening your mind to examining not only yourself, but your past, your responses to your world, and your attitudes, and then deciding which direction you want to go. It is about making choices and realizing that even by making a decision not to decide, you are deciding.
To begin the process, use your imagination and your memory and pretend with me for just a minute. I want you to think back to when you were five years old and it was Christmas Eve. Your parents had just tucked you in bed and told you that Santa Claus would come during the night and awaiting you in the morning would be wonderful presents and exciting things beyond your wildest dreams! As they left you in your room, you wondered how on Earth they could possibly believe you could go to sleep with that much excitement hanging heavily upon you! The world of “possibilities” that awaited you in the morning was absolutely overwhelming to your young mind!
You took forever to fall asleep, tossing and turning, the adrenaline in your system suggesting sleep was unnecessary at best. You awoke several times, but realizing it was still nighttime and Santa Claus only came if no one was looking, you stayed in your room, lest you surprise him and he leave without finishing his job! At last, when you couldn’t stand it one minute longer, you jumped out of bed, flew down the stairs, and raced to see what was under the Christmas tree! The anticipation of all those wonderful “possibilities” couldn’t hold you one minute longer, because you knew there could be something so wonderful there it could change your life!
Do you remember those feelings? Your heart beating fast from excitement! Your brain going a thousand miles an hour! Your body tuned up and ready to pounce! Can you also remember wondering why on Earth you were the only one up that early?
The reason for all the behaviors you exhibited at that time in your life had to do with the anticipation of something exciting about to happen which would make that day extraordinary! It gave you energy, a spring in your step, a spark in your eye, a smile on your face. It made your heart sing and your muscles spring into action. It made you healthy and happy and well adjusted. You were on top of the world and probably felt like you could accomplish anything!
OK, now fast forward to today. First of all, how did you sleep last night? Did you toss and turn with excitement and anticipation like you did that Christmas Eve, or were you restless because you were worried about what might happen at work today? Were you having nightmares about not getting a promotion at work, or fussing about the guy in the next cubicle who drives you crazy? Maybe you were concerned that your husband won’t be happy with the idea that you’d really like to go back to school but the only way you can afford it is if he takes care of the kids three evenings a week and you don’t know how he’ll take to the idea. Or might you be dreaming of getting a different job because the one you have leaves you feeling empty and bored to tears, but it pays well and there aren’t a lot of other jobs to choose from, so maybe you should just be thankful you have it?
My next question to you is this: How many times did you hit the snooze alarm this morning? Once, twice, three times? More? Why? What is it about life that leaves you wishing you could stay in bed all day instead of flying out of bed like that five year old you once were on Christmas Day? Have you quit seeing the possibilities that surround you each and every day? Possibilities that can still make every day full of surprises and might change your life?
What happened to all those possibilities?
I realize that your life is fast, hectic, frenzied, exciting, fun, filled with people and places and responsibilities and bills and tasks and chores and so on and so on and so on. Yet, admit it, does it seem more often than not, like you’re a hamster on a treadmill? The “treadmill of life?” Each Sunday do you look ahead to the week and just can’t wait for the next weekend because the five days in between not only don’t fill you with a sense of excitement, they fill you with a sense of boredom, or possibly even dread?
Or maybe you’re one of the lucky ones who has already mastered a variety of things and you feel on top of the world, but what worries you is each time you accomplish something new and wonderful you wonder if there will be anything else to replace it. What if you run out of new and exciting things to do with your life?
Either way, the possibilities are always around us, but it seems as we grow up we tend to lose sight of them. That’s where the “boxxes” come in. We start letting ourselves get boxxed in by so many things we start to lose sight of the fact that exciting possibilities still surround us each and every day, if only we are open to seeing them.
Look at children again for a moment. If you asked a group of kindergarteners if they can scuba dive, do you know what they would say? Well, most of the group would frantically wave their hands in the air and say, “I can, I can!” Why? Because they don’t yet know they can’t! They are open to all the possibilities life throws at them because they haven’t yet developed boxxes. They are ready to tackle the world! They probably don’t even know what scuba diving is, but that doesn’t hold them back.
Would you like that energy again? That excitement? That open-mindedness? That pure love of life that you had when you were that age? Well, it’s there for those who believe they can have it. Look around you and I’ll bet you know at least one person like that in your life. Probably not dozens, but at least one. That’s the person who always has so much energy that you wonder what they’re taking and you’d like to know where they buy it! They are always happy, upbeat, positive, rarely seem to let anything get them upset, are always friendly and helpful to others wherever they go. The eternal optimist, even when times get rough. They always find the silver lining in each and every gray cloud.
If you can’t think of anyone immediately, there are so many famous people whose stories you might relate to. Nelson Mandela, imprisoned for years for his political beliefs, had every right to evolve through that ordeal into an angry, vengeful, hateful man, and yet, quite the opposite is true. Martin Luther King maintained a belief system of kindness and love in the face of hatred and pain. Helen Keller surmounted overwhelming limitations to take her place in history as a true survivor and an example of overwhelming success.
While all these examples may seem extreme to you, there are everyday people who prevail as well. For example, a young Colorado man severed his own arm to save his life after being pinned by an enormous boulder while hiking. The eternal optimist, he found a way to live and thanked God and his family for praying for him around the clock until he persevered through the darkness to find the light. Before leaving the hospital on his road to physical recovery, he was already making plans for his next outdoor adventure.
If these people can overcome such odds of enormous proportion, then doesn’t it seem possible that most of us should be able to find a way to enjoy our lives more fully? Finding joy in the simple things should be easy. Awaking each day looking forward to the wondrous possibilities that surround us should be as common as breathing.
Whether you are a man or a woman, (and I will use examples of each throughout this book), if you begin by believing that your life is all about choices, then you are ready to begin to examine your boxxes and to decide whether they are helping you or holding you back. All the possibilities are there. Just knowing that can be empowering. It’s all up to you.
“Most people see what is and never see what can be.”
Albert Einstein
Chapter 3 What Boxx ?
The expression “thinking out of the box” has been around for quite some time. As a matter of fact, if you do a Google search for the phrase, using the traditional spelling, there are over 350,000 pages of information! (Out of the Boxx with two x’s still has 360 pages!) Oprah Winfrey has even done a show on the concept. Yet, has anyone ever stopped to ask themselves exactly what “the box” is?
Actually, I believe there are many boxxes: Fear, Your Past, Perfectionism, Workaholism, Emptiness, The Victim, Depression, Denial, and many, many more. I’m sure some of you even have your own specific, personal boxxes. But no matter what they are, they overlap into three major areas of your life: your career, your relationships, and your health.
The important thing is to identify the boxxes affecting your life and decide if they are working for or against you. I believe all of our boxxes start out as good things. In fact, some of them are important to keep.
Let me give you an example. One of the boxxes you’ll learn about in Chapter 4 is Fear. If we didn’t have fear in life, we would likely risk injury or death on a daily basis. If I had no fear at all, I could try jumping off of a twenty-story building, which would not be wise. Instead, as very young children we begin to learn protective behaviors to keep us from falling prey to situations that might hurt us.
Visualize yourself wearing a small, fitted boxx, the size of a bullet-proof vest. It protects your vital organs, yet allows flexibility of movement of your arms and legs and is small enough that it still lets you pass through doors while wearing it. I like to think back to the first New World explorers. Their body armor only protected their trunk, unlike the heavy, cumbersome full suits of armor worn by “knights in shining armor.” It was relatively lightweight but protective enough to save their lives; at the same time, it allowed them to see in all directions, unlike the earlier, full-body versions.
Boxxes like this are helpful. The healthy, Body Armor sized Boxx of Fear I described earlier can be lifesaving without imposing limitations or blocking your view of the great possibilities of life.
When I visualize Living Out of the Boxx, I like to picture myself in a room. As I stand in the middle of the room, I am surrounded by open doors on all sides of me in front, behind, and on both sides. These doors represent life’s possibilities. They are wide open, allowing things to come to me, or me to walk through to discover them.
If I am wearing that small boxx, I have full view of all the doors at any given time.
However, if my boxx becomes larger and larger, it can eventually engulf me and then my view is completely obstructed! And voilà I’m “stuck” in my boxx in a room whose doors I have also become too big to pass through!
So, how do our boxxes get so big? Well, that depends upon the boxx itself. If we are talking about Fear, think about how a baby learns to walk. There is a certain amount of fear taking place during this development. Although their thoughts are very simple, they recognize that each time they attempt to take those first, scary steps, they fall down a lot! Sometimes there’s a bruised knee or chin or other painful reminder of the experience. Perhaps each of these painful moments gives the child cause for pause, and walking is put on hold for a while. Although fear is a much simpler picture for their immature minds, it is nonetheless present.
If we stop and remember that all of us learned to walk at some point, it becomes apparent that the child’s tiny Boxx of Fear was overcome by the desire to walk and catch up with the rest of the kids! The fear of that first step was less important than being left behind by the others!
Now let’s expand this concept to an adult who lives in a Boxx of Fear. Does someone who is lonely and seeking romance, refuse to date again because they have had some bad dating experiences? If so, then the Boxx of Fear has grown from body armor size to that of a small house! It locks the person within its four walls where they think they are safe. After all, no one can hurt them if they don’t let them in, right? While this might be true, what has happened to their ability to see life’s possibilities? What if Mr. Right walked in the door, but the tightly boxxed person doesn’t even see him? What wonderful things might they be missing? This is how hiding in your boxx can be detrimental rather than protective.
So How Do You Get Out of Your Boxx?
First, ask yourself lots of questions to help identify your own boxxes. Unfortunately, it’s not a quick, cut-and-dried process. It’s not like taking your measurements or weighing yourself and knowing exactly where you stand! It will take some introspection, some examination of your past, and even asking your closest friends and/or family members for help with this analysis. (Be sure to only ask those people whose opinion you can trust. If your spouse has been critical of you in the past, he or she is not going to be your best ally now!)
Read the following list of questions and see if any of them ring a bell. They are broad, general statements that may give you a clue as to whether you are possibly “stuck in a boxx.” They may also give you a desire to probe deeper. If you feel a twinge of fear or apprehension about answering any of them, or if you don’t have an immediate answer, it’s a good sign that it may be a good starting place for you. Then, as you read each chapter about the individual boxxes, see if any of the descriptions sound familiar and start your search from there. Be honest, open, and willing to accept change into your life! If you are, the results can be incredible!
Do You:
-Feel like your life is stuck in a rut? Like a hamster on the wheel doing the same thing day after day, with no change in sight?
-Feel your professional life is great, but your personal relationships are lacking or non-existent? (Or vice versa.) You feel competent, respected and valued in one of those areas, but not in the other.
-Feel that you live your life for your family and get your needs met last, if ever?
-Wake up every morning dreading getting out of bed because there’s nothing to look forward to? How many times do you shut off the alarm before you finally get up?
-Fight chronic fatigue or depression, and don’t know why?
-Hate the dull, boring routine in your life, but don’t know how to change it?
-Wish for things you believe to be impossible winning the lottery to solve your financial problems, losing a lot of weight, finding a loving relationship, getting a better job? Or even just having more time to spend with your family?
-Feel lost trying to decide what to do with your life? Perhaps you raised your children or sold your business or retired, and now you just don’t know what to do with your time?
-Become easily frustrated about things?
-When you do have free time do you know what you might want to do to fill it?
-Do you even allow yourself free time?
Use these examples to begin asking yourself where you are now and where you want to go.
Let me give you an example that might help you see a bigger picture of someone and her boxxes.
Rachel
Rachel is a nurse, mother, and wife. That is how she defines herself first and foremost. Within this self-definition, she is also chef, housekeeper, and chauffeur for her two children. Her husband works too, so she feels that these are her roles at home. She “wishes” she could go back to school to get her master’s degree, but believes she is too old and doesn’t know when she would find the time Yet, by getting additional education she would have more job opportunities that may prove more fun and interesting. At the same time it would increase her income potential. She is unhappy with her weight, but she’s convinced that her family genes are the cause since her siblings and parents are all overweight as well. She believes she will never be able to lose weight, no matter how hard she tries. She knows that her cholesterol is high and she would like to do something about that too, but since she’s only 40 and doesn’t have high blood pressure, she’s not extremely worried about her risk of heart disease yet. She comes home from work tired and stressed, and drops in a heap on the couch for her only thirty minutes of peace before picking up the kids from school. She feels as if her life is in a rut, but sees no way out. She wishes she had more one-on-one time with her husband, but with their crazy schedules there are few opportunities. She looks ahead to a time when her children are grown and when life might be able to slow down a bit and let her enjoy it more.
Can you see the many boxxes Rachel has built for herself? She feels she has no time to do anything for herself, and yet, she has boxxed herself into the role of the only chef, housekeeper, and chauffeur. We don’t know her husband’s career, but if she is like many women, she simply takes on those chores because she is the “woman of the house.” Has she ever asked her husband or children to help with these tasks or would she feel guilty doing so? (The Boxx of Guilt seems to come naturally to many women!) She says that she would like to go back to school, but wouldn’t be able to find the time, yet has she examined how to free up some time by reorganizing her family, arranging after school daycare, or hiring someone to clean her house?
Her weight and cholesterol are big issues but she is not taking them seriously and rationalizes that obesity runs in her family. Thus, she is stuck with this fate. If she continues to believe this way, it won’t matter what diet she tries, for she has already convinced herself that she will fail.
She keeps looking ahead to when her children are grown, convinced that life will finally “slow down,” at last allowing her to spend time with her husband and do some things for herself. Too bad she believes those times are so far away.
With all of these overlapping issues, Rachel is only perpetuating what she has built for herself – a confining boxx that allows no room for change, self expression, or personal growth. Yet at the root of her issues, perhaps Rachel’s underlying message to herself is that she just isn’t important enough to change. She may not yet have come to believe that she needs to take care of herself first before she can effectively take care of those she loves.
Rachel is not uncommon. There are hundreds of thousands of Rachels. They are not abnormal or maladjusted. It’s not to say their lives are not filled with fun, excitement, or rewards. They experience love, the joy of raising their families, success at their careers, and other wonderful times. Yet, how much better might they be if they got “Out Of Their Boxxes” and opened themselves to the many possibilities awaiting them? Even if everything in their lives were functioning at a 10, wouldn’t it be great to be a 12 or 15?
All is possible when you know how to “Get Out of Your Boxx!”
“When a man knows what he wants, he will move heaven and Earth to get it.”
Unknown
Part Two Identifying Your Boxxes
Let’s begin to identify and examine various boxxes, some of which you might recognize. This is only a partial list of the many, many boxxes we can all get stuck in. You may not find your own here, and that’s quite alright! Just study yours in the same way you study these, and ask that ever important question: Is it working for you or holding you back?
“If you do nothing, nothing happens.”
Evelyn Kaye
Chapter 4 Fear: The Biggest Boxx Of All
As I sat at my computer the night I wrote my suicide letter, the Boxx of Fear had me in a death grip – literally. Although at the time, I could not have told you it was fear that I was dealing with. Yet, if you would have been there to observe my behaviors and emotions, what you would have seen was overwhelming sadness, gut-wrenching pain, depths of depression, furious anger, and a strong desire to be heard. I sobbed to the point of almost being unable to breathe. The tears streamed down my face like a torrential rainstorm. My muscles were so taut they ached, my stomach knotted to the point of pain, and my faced flushed with obvious elevation in blood pressure. Although the label of fear was not showing, the physical symptoms were, whether I recognized them or not.