RECYCLED SOULS
LYNETTE FERREIRA
This edition is published by Smashwords in 2012
Copyright © 2012 Lynette Ferreira
All rights reserved.
Except as permitted under the U.S. Copyright Act of 1976, no part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed or transmitted in any form or by any means, or stored in a database or retrieval system without the prior written permission of the publisher.
This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places and incidents are products of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously and are not to be construed as real. Any resemblance to actual events, locales, organizations, or persons, living or deceased, is entirely coincidental
Cover Art: Tahne Dobson
Recycled Souls is also available in print.
As always, for my daughter,
Tahné Dobson.
“What greater thing is there for two human souls than to feel that they are joined for life - to strengthen each other in all labor, to rest on each other in all sorrow, to minister to each other in all pain, to be one with each other in silent, unspeakable memories?”
George Elliott
CHAPTER ONE
I smile broadly all the way home from school.
There is a skip in my step and a song in my heart, and it feels as if my life is on track, everything is perfect and nothing could ever change how I feel - nothing at all.
I have always secretly liked Jason, and although he went out with Carol for almost two years, I still have a serious crush on him. He is, after all, the most popular, most handsome boy in school, and now it appears, he is eventually aware of my existence.
This afternoon, I saw him standing on the steps leading away from school, waiting for someone, and I was going to walk past, as always. I usually pretend that I do not notice him, and then at the last moment, I will look up and say, “Hi, Jason,” casually, in my over-practiced voice.
Just as I opened my mouth to deliver my line, I heard him say, “Hi, Elizabeth,” in that deep, husky voice of his.
Me?
Abruptly my mind went void of all thoughts and intentions, and although my gut feeling urged me to walk away, the butterflies in my stomach tumbling and dropping, my feet stopped moving anyway.
I turned towards him, and said, “Hi, Jason,” a bit awkwardly, but making sure to let his name almost whisper over my lips – once again over practiced, and my feeble attempt at being sexy.
My mind filled rapidly with screaming and shouting, so loudly, it was difficult to hear myself think and besides, I did not want him to realize that he had just made my day, in fact made my life.
I made a quick exit, before I started babbling, making a fool of myself. My feet started to walk me away again, and I smiled sweetly up over my shoulder, catching his gaze following me.
I cannot believe that he actually knows my name. I replay this very short conversation with him in my mind over and over again, the entire way home. I cannot wait to share my news with someone, anyone.
:
What I did not realize, is that my future is not in my hands, and that change is not a choice.
As soon as I walk through my front door, I know something is wrong. My mom and Sean approach me, and if not for Sean’s happy smile, I would be thinking someone died. My mom looks cheerful, but nervous, as she comes to stand next to me, putting her arm across my shoulder reassuringly.
Then the radiant, happy smile fades from my face, as my world crashes to my feet.
Sean announces with great excitement, “We are moving.”
I look at him shocked, “Where?” I feel my mom’s hand on my shoulder tighten encouragingly.
“To Ireland,” he beams.
“When did this happen?” I ask incredulous.
“Your mom and I have been discussing it for a while, and we made the decision last week. I have made a few phone calls and everything just fell into place.”
I feel my throat clamp shut, from the immense despondency that suddenly fills my being and I move away from my mom, saying, “I am going to my room.”
We are moving not just house or city, but country. Sean has Irish ancestors and his great, extremely great grandfather was a lord of some importance about a million years ago. Unfortunately, being the only son, he inherited a manor house in the west of Ireland from his dad last year. A house that has been in his family since the time of this great grandfather and this is where we will be moving to now.
:
Everything becomes a haze and I am in shock and disbelief as they continue past me and through me, as if I am invisible, not taking any notice of me in their busy schedule to make the move happen without any problems. They continue making plans, packing boxes, shipping favorite pieces of furniture, seemingly oblivious, as always, of how I feel.
Sometimes my mom creeps into my room late at night. She, more often than not, asks me softly if I am sleeping, and when I say no, she sits down on my bed next to me. She takes my hand into hers, smiling encouragingly, and then she tries to convince me how great it will be to make new friends, to widen my horizons and how I will do well anywhere in the world, because I am such a bright girl.
Whatever.
Once she leaves my room, thinking that she has convinced me enough, I turn myself to the wall and I softly cry myself to sleep.
The day of leaving flew at me with unexpected speed and I am sad to say goodbye to my room, my house, my street and most of all my friends.
I cry discreetly in the taxi, all the way to the airport. At the airport, I walk a few steps behind my family, letting them lead me away from everything that made me who I am.
The tears continue running down my cheeks silently on the airplane, no matter how hard I try to swallow them.
My mom sits next to me, and while I stare out of the little window to my side, trying not to sniff too loudly, she leans closer to me.
She whispers softly, “Stop crying, Elizabeth. Change makes you a more independent and emotionally stronger person.”
I ignore her and I cannot understand why she does not leave me to wallow in self-pity by myself, because I honestly just want to be alone.
I now hate my mom for her ignorance and I hate Sean for his selfishness. I wish my mom had never met him, ever.
:
My mom met Sean when I was only five years old, after my dad died a year earlier in a car accident on his way home from work. I helped my mom during that year. I was my mom’s shoulder to cry on, making sure she got up in the mornings, letting her lean on me emotionally. I was so sure my mom would never get over my dad.
Therefore, you can imagine my shock, when one day, soon after my fifth birthday, I found Sean sitting in our living room, on my dad’s chair. He was laughing so loud, he reminded me of an evil villain from one of my cartoon shows.
Ignoring him did not help either, because soon after that, he seemed to be a permanent fixture and they got married a year later.
My mom looked so content again and although I felt jealous at having to share her now, Sean’s quick smile and reassuring presence made him nice to have around.
Not anymore.
CHAPTER TWO
Arriving in Ireland to pressing gray skies does not do much to cheer me.
We drive most of the day, my eyes staring unseeing through the rain-stained window at the passing scenery, yet I smile interested when my mom or Sean point out something they find beautiful or exciting.
We eventually turn off into a neglected driveway and I struggle to breathe as I look at the ‘manor’ in horror. The mammoth gray block looks more like a fixer-upper lump-a-cement than the fairy-tale picture Sean projected into our minds over the last couple of months, whilst in the process of convincing us how great a change would be for all of us. The only impressive thing to me is the miles and miles of un-kept lawn surrounding the house and off to the side, there is a gathering of inviting green trees.
Sean arranged for people to deliver the basic furniture, but my room is still bare-looking. The faint, faded rose-covered wallpaper on the walls are peeling away in the corners, the wooden floorboards are pale and splinter looking. I try to avoid walking on the distorted slats as I cross the room to the bed, still wrapped in plastic.
I unpack my suitcase quickly, packing my clothes in the dresser, placing my photos on the bedside table, looking at the happy faces of my friends longingly. My room is draughty and on the second level, and does not even come close to resembling the snug, cozy room that was my haven not so long ago. The only plus now is that I have my own bathroom and I did not have to share with my ten-year-old half-sister, Esther, any more - although, I will give up this luxury in the blink of an eye, if I could be back in my old room.
Looking pessimistically around the room once more, I slide the suitcase in under my bed, and decide to go and explore the small forest to the side of the house that I saw earlier. I want to find a quiet spot, where I can yell, cry and scream without having Sean or my mom rushing to my side, trying to make me feel better with their silly motivational blubber.
I have had enough of pretending to smile, pretending that everything is as it should be, because in reality, I felt lifeless inside, as if I am carrying the whole world on my shoulders. I did not want new friends, I had just lost my gawkiness, Jason started noticing me, I was popular and I was doing well academically - all my hard work wasted.
My mom and Sean are forever saying that a person should set goals and work towards them, and I wonder sarcastically if they ever consider that having aspirations and goals only work when you actually see them through to the end.
Since that day of the cataclysmic announcement, I have prayed daily, sometimes up to once every hour, pleading that everything must please go back to the way it is supposed to be, but here I am anyway - so much for that.
As I walk out of the front door, my mom calls from the library, which sounds more impressive than it actually looks, not to stray too far away from the house.
“Okay, Mom,” I call back, pulling my face sourly.
I walk through the waist high grass, the sun glimmering off the yellow tips, to the edge of the trees and into the shadows. There is no path. I stumble through the undergrowth and I can see through the clump of trees on all sides. I was never in any danger of getting lost, even if I tried very hard.
Almost in the middle of the cluster of trees, I discover a fallen tree trunk, covered with a thick layer of moist moss, blending into its surroundings. If I did not almost fall over it, I would never have noticed it.
I sit down on the tree trunk and I allow the tears to flow freely over my cheeks, letting the sobs shudder through my body. Only later, when the light starts to fade and my mom’s voice begins to sound desperate, do I get up and walk home.
Starting a new school at my age is ridiculous. I am established in my ways. How would I fit in with new rules, new ways of doing things, stupid strangers trying to be friendly? To make it even worse, I now have no choice but to be chauffeured to school and back by my mom, because here you are only able to drive a car unaccompanied from the age of eighteen. It is also hopelessly too far to walk and there is no public transport along this rural road. Imagine, also, standing in the persistent rain waiting for a bus?
My mom keeps pointing out that I am starting at the beginning of the new school year, and I might not be the only new kid starting, so it would be nice if I made friends with one of the other new students.
Whoopee!
Wearing this horrid school uniform does not make me feel any better either, although my mom and Sean gush and tell Esther and me how beautiful and cute we look, while taking photos. Even if I am smiling outwardly, it still annoys me that they think anybody would want to look back and remember this day.
At school, I cannot stand the way the boys are staring at me, some of them I am sure wondering how easy I am. The girls just plainly ignore me, giggling at my American accent.
For the next couple of weeks I hide in the bathrooms at every break. It is mortifying to stand around waiting for someone to speak to me, sitting alone in the cafeteria. I act as if I am a reserved, alone kind of person who would prefer not to have friends, so I do not speak to anyone during class, keeping my head down. If anybody comes within talking distance of me, I draw a blank expression on my face, and look in the opposite direction. I did not want to seem desperate.
In Science, a boy named Aaron sits at the desk in front of me. Now and again, he turns in his desk and talks to the girl sitting next to me, while looking in my direction. This makes me feel self-conscience, so I always pretend I do not see him, ignoring him completely, looking through him.
I only say what is necessary in class, and if a teacher or an adult speak to me at school, I respond automatically. For me, the students all melt together into a giant blur.
Besides, I do not want to be here. All I want is for things to go back to the way it was - the way it is supposed to be.
Going home every day, I smile and pretend that I am the happiest individual ever to walk the earth, mostly to keep the worry out of my mom’s eyes and not to have her convince me - once again - that although I am unhappy now, I will soon see that everything happens for a reason.
I go out to my hideout every afternoon, where I can be myself without having to pretend that I was happy. I swear and curse, moan and grumble, sitting in the same place every day. The moss on the trunk is starting to rub off and the whiteness of the long fallen trunk is starting to shine through all the green.
I always seem to feel better here, as if this is my little heaven in the midst of the larger hell out there. I can draw courage from the surroundings. It is as if my soul feels a little lighter, and then when I go back into the house, I can convince my mom that I am happy. I can smile and in doing this I can make her smile.
:
During mid-term break, as the days drag by, and in the safety of my sanctuary, I blame my mom and Sean for this unfortunate thing happening to me. They ruined my life permanently, and they stole my happiness away from me. I am so lonely now and I am positive, I will never forgive them.
Then the day before school starts again, and I am dreading going back, I clear my mind and look up. I marvel at my surroundings changing from different shades of green, to shades of browns, oranges and yellow, while my hand is resting on the fallen tree.
I feel indentations under my fingers on the tree trunk. I crouch down and peer at the faint scratching, but can only make out the outlines of a heart. At that moment, a beam of sun breaks through the top of the trees, shining down on me. As the light glows over me, amazingly a sense of acceptance washes through me, and I can actually feel the warmth move from my head through to my toes. Suddenly it feels as if everything will be okay, and I will be all right. I decide impulsively to make an effort to fit in here. After all, I suppose, I can try to be happy and to give up on loneliness and emptiness - to try to make at least one friend.
:
This is the turning point for me, because Jane starts talking to me in French class, and she invites me to spend break with her. She introduces me to her friends, Aaron, Connell, Siobhan, Sarah and John, and they welcome me into their group without hesitation.
They ask me a million questions about America, and California and if I have ever met anyone famous.
I answer all their questions, laughing at the silly ones and it feels, after that break, as if I have been friends with Jane and her friends for much longer than just a day.
How easy things turn out to be, once you accept your fate.
When my mom picks me up after school, I feel as if I am not pretending as much anymore. This is the first day I really notice the green hills rolling away into the distance. I notice the sheep with all the paint markings over their bodies grazing in the fields. I notice the neat squares of hedges, and the gray clouds blanketing us in.
Do not get me wrong, I still feel empty and bare, but now I can see a tiny, bright light at the end of this long, dark tunnel.
CHAPTER THREE
I get out of bed, with the sun flooding into my room.
I rush over to the window and looking out, the skies are clear and the blue is so far above me, high up in the sky. This is going to be a beautiful day, I think elated.
It is indescribable how just this one little thing - a clear, sunny day - can lift a person’s mood and soul. You see the clear blue sky and somehow you can feel your heart rejoicing, your bones tingling. You suddenly have an excited expectation that life is great and that there is a larger meaning to everything after all.
:
Jane is waiting for me at the gate when I get to school, and I wonder why it took her so long to find me. She could have saved me from weeks of misery and smelly toilets, trying to hide from the cleaners.
I conveniently forget that I distanced myself from all human interaction, and that I managed to avoid her on more than one occasion. Even if she did discover my hiding place, she would not have found me, because I did not want anybody to speak to me. I did not want to be here, until that afternoon in my sanctuary, when that warm bit of sun glowed over me. I decided that day to stop moping, and only then was I ready to let anybody in and to speak to anyone.
We walk into school together, and she leans towards me, saying confidentially, “Aaron likes you.”
I look at her quizzically, “Me? How could he, we only met yesterday?”
“Aaron, who sits in front of you in Science,” she explains.
“I know which Aaron,” I reply evasively.
“He has liked you since your arrival, looking at you with those puppy-dog eyes. I am surprised you never noticed.”
“I never paid attention.”
“Well, we all met at Siobhan’s house during mid-term break one day, and I have to admit, we did discuss you.”
I look at her astounded, “Discussed me?”
Jane laughs embarrassed, “Don’t worry, it was all nice things - honestly.”
“I don’t understand why you all met to discuss me?”
“We didn’t meet to only discuss you,” she laughs. “But, to be honest, we have been discussing you on and off over the last few weeks. If I could have found you during breaks or had the guts to approach you during class, we wouldn’t have been so intrigued by you.” She continues hesitantly, “You always looked so distant and stuck-up, but then after mid-term break you seemed different, more open, and accepting, so I took my chance and spoke to you.”
I look away embarrassed and wait for her to continue.
“Well, anyhow Aaron adores you, and he asked me if I know whether you like him, so I am asking.”
“I am not really interested,” I try to explain awkwardly, without sounding harsh, while I look at her apologetically.
I see a flash of relief wash over her face for just the briefest moment.
We reach our Science classroom and I know Aaron is in there somewhere. I feel anxious having to deal with this now.
Aaron is staring at me nervously as I walk through the doorway behind Jane, and she nudges me in the ribs with her elbow.
“Ouch!” I whisper, and think irritated that I have just made friends with them, but now I am going to have to create tension. Still when he smiles at me, I smile in return.
Typical Elizabeth, please everyone, why don’t you?
Over the next weeks, Jane, Aaron and I hang out as a group. Sarah and Connell are in fifth year, while John and Siobhan have eyes only for each other, so we only meet up with them on the odd occasion.
Aaron is basically a very perceptive person and realizes very soon that we would only be friends, without me having to tell him directly. This is a great relief, although at times I still see a glimmer of hope in his eyes, especially when it starts to look as if I am not interested in any one else either.
:
The days are much shorter now, and bright, cloudless days are infrequent, but it is one of those rare sunny days. We are standing at our lockers, talking excitedly about the weather.
Connell suddenly turns towards me and says in his abrupt way, “Elizabeth, seeing as it is such a lovely day, one of the five we experience a year here in Ireland, Jared phoned me and suggested we all go down to the beach this afternoon – are you up for it?”
Looking up at him bewildered, I step back surprised and Aaron answers for me, “That sounds great, Connell. I’ll tell Siobhan, John and Sarah.”
Why did he ask me specifically and who is Jared, I wonder and am just about to ask Jane, when the bell rings and I forget about it. Excitement floods through me, at the prospect of spending time with my friends, outside of school.
At lunch, we watch the sky above intently and suddenly every one of us is a weather expert, predicting no un-expected rainfall for this afternoon.
During Irish, I quickly text my mom, telling her not to collect me straight after school, that I am going to the beach with some friends, and I will call her to fetch me later.
Being her usual overprotective-self and not paying attention to the time, my ring tone echoes through the classroom.
Mr. Halpin, stares at me over his little owl glasses and says in a sharp voice, “No mobiles in class, Elizabeth!”
“Yes sir,” I say embarrassed, and I press the mute button at the same time.
This is now going to cost me another text, I think frustrated, while I discreetly push the buttons on my phone, under my desk.
“Mom, I am in class, will call you as soon as the bell goes.”
I send the message and then switch off my phone, just in case.
After school, Aaron waits for me while I collect my books, and then he walks with me to my locker, not saying anything and looking anxious.
I get my books that I will need for homework from my locker, and as we walk out through the main door, he says apprehensively, “We’ll drive down to the beach with my brother.”
I look at him, with a frown, “I didn’t know you have a brother.”
He seems apologetic, “Sometimes I forget that I only know you a few weeks.”
I ignore the hint of expectation in his voice and say, “But surely, I would have noticed by now that you had a brother?”
“He has been at a rugby training camp since mid-term break and only arrived back very late last night,” he explains.
“He didn’t come to school today?”
“No, he decided to take the day off.”
“Oh.”
Aaron guides me in the direction of the only two cars parked next to each other at the far end of the student parking lot. I recognize Connell’s Citroen, but not the ruby red Jeep next to it.
We meet up with Jane, Connell, and Sarah, Siobhan and John, everyone greeting each other loudly and laughing - happy that the sun is holding onto its place in the sky.
All of a sudden, Connell asks, at the top of his voice, “So are you all ready to leave, then?” In the same breath, “Sarah, are you driving down with me?”
I see Sarah hesitate and look towards the Jeep, but then she turns towards Connell and smiling she walks towards him.
Aaron and Jane start to walk towards the Jeep, with me following, and then I falter, for a moment, as I become aware of him climbing out of the driver side of the ruby red Jeep.
It feels as if somebody punched me in my stomach, violently expelling my breath from me and I am immediately attracted to him.
Aaron awkwardly introduces me to his brother, Jared, and as geeky as Aaron is, so handsome is his brother.
I meet his eyes and it is like déjà-vu. For some strange reason I recognize him and although I know I have never met him before, it feels like I have known him for all of my life.
Jared’s expressive green eyes hold my gaze and then one corner of his mouth lifts into a smile. He does not say a single word, while I manage a shy, “Hi.”
I am almost one-hundred percent certain I used to be more confident in California, whatever happened to me?
Jane firmly pulls Aaron into the back seat of Jared’s Jeep, so I do not have much of a choice in the matter of sitting shotgun.
Jared walks with me to the door and opens it for me, while I keep my eyes away from his face - he has me on edge, and I feel inexplicably nervous.
Once I am sitting in the seat, he closes the car door, and then he walks around the back of the Jeep. Getting in, he looks over at me - and then suddenly, without warning, he leans over towards me.
My whole body freezes and I stop breathing. I push myself backwards into the seat, while he bends over me and pulls my safety belt towards him. He buckles it into the slot. Still very close to me, he looks up at me with raised eyebrows and he smiles that crooked smile. Cold air rushes into my mouth with such a gush as I gasp that I almost choke, but Jared only smiles wider and then settles back into his seat.
While clipping in his safety belt he tells Aaron and Jane to buckle up. He starts the car and we drive off with Connell leading the way out of the schoolyard. We drive through the village traffic and then down the steep, winding back roads towards the beach.
I turn myself as much as I possibly can, with the constriction of the safety belt, so that I can speak to Jane in the back seat. Aaron joins in and we laugh and joke about school, especially Mr. Halpin, with his little, eccentric habits.
I am fully aware that Jared does not speak at all, he only smiles now and again at something one of us say and when he does, he glances in my direction. This makes my stomach jump, and a flush of heat creep up my cheeks. I cannot believe how aware each thread of my body is of him.
Too soon, we stop at a parking area with high bushes surrounding it and everybody gets out of the cars, strolling towards an almost hidden pathway.
I walk away from the Jeep first. I did not want it to look as if I am waiting.
When I step onto the beach out from between the bushes, the first thing that strikes me is the view - it is beautiful and peaceful. The water is translucent blue, with the waves calmly rolling in onto the white pebbled sand curving around. Hugging the beach are huge expansive cliffs.
I stop walking and look up at the cliffs, feeling small and insignificant. I notice Connell and Jared walk through the pathway together. It looks as if they are discussing something important, and Jared looks stubborn in his decision.
Suddenly Jared is looking at me and despite how silly it sounds; I am stuck in the gaze of his eyes. Like a deer caught in the headlights of a car, I feel a strange sensation of excited panic, but I cannot move.
Involuntarily, I smile at him shyly, and then feeling mortified I start to turn around towards Jane further down the beach. Jared unexpectedly starts running towards me. I flinch when it looks as if he is going to run into me, but he folds his arms around my waist and lifts me off the ground. With my feet dangling in the air, he twirls me around.
“Hey, Elizabeth – I think we should give you a proper Irish welcome and dunk you into the sea.”
Embarrassed, I laugh, “Let me go,” while I try to pry his hands from my waist.
He whispers, “Never,” close to my ear and lets me go.
I frown briefly and without thinking, I look around to see if Aaron saw him whispering in my ear, but Aaron is having a conversation with John and has his back turned to me.
“Ah,” Jared follows my gaze. “Have I already lost out?”
Mortified I look down and feel a warm glow pushing up my neck, into my cheeks.
“No!” I say softly, defensive, “Aaron and I are great friends, but I heard that he likes me, and I do not want to hurt his feelings.”
Jared lifts his hands up in the air, his palms facing me and he steps back away from me. Smiling uncomfortably, he says, “Sorry.”
I feel dreadful because I do like Jared very much - too much, too soon - and now he might get the wrong impression. I turn and walk away from him, not wanting him to see how I feel, not wanting to start gushing nonsensical. How naïve does he think I am anyway, saying that he will never let me go. Still my heart leaps at the prospect.
I walk towards Jane, Sarah and Siobhan sitting on the sand in a half circle facing the sea, and I can feel the tension when I sit down next to Jane.
Jane turns to look at me, smiling kindly. I assume the tension is coming from Sarah, who is throwing daggers at me with her eyes, so I presume she must be into Jared.
The guys come to sit with us, and I do not know if Jared is just determined or stubborn, or not so much into Sarah, or just being spiteful, but he sits down next to me and I can now feel open hate burning behind Sarah’s eyes as she glares at me.
Aaron sits at the far end of the half-circle next to John, and looks towards me discontentedly. I do feel a little insulted because I have made it plain, in all my actions, that I was not interested in being more than just his friend. I hate hurting his feelings now, but I feel an incomprehensible attraction towards his brother.
I decide to take a quick, discreet, peripheral glance at Jared and I see him watching me inconspicuously, so I look away quickly.
He is sitting with his arms folded over his pulled up knees, his chin resting on his arms, facing the ocean.
Connell and John decide to build a bonfire and soon the beach has a warm glow to it, the sun already starting to set over the horizon. John says something about the sunset and then everyone joins in, discussing the way the different colors play across the water.
Jared moves his arm and, surely unintentionally, he brushes against my arm softly. My body betrays me by sprouting goose bumps.
“Cold, Elizabeth?” He chuckles softly.
“No.” I look at him sideways, indignant.
“You must be after coming from Ca-li-fornia only a few months ago.” He drags out the California, trying to imitate an American accent. “This climate takes time getting used to.”
“Actually, I like the cold.”
“I am sure you do,” he smirks mockingly, “I have lived here my whole life and I hate it.”
I look at him amused, but he is once again staring at the waves rolling in over the ocean and, so it seems, lost in his own thoughts.
He moves his fingers resting on his arm closest to me, and brushes against my arm softly. This time I am sure it is intentional, because it lasts longer than a moment. He starts to draw circles on my arm, his fingers barely touching my skin, floating just above it. The resident butterflies in my stomach rebel brutally.
I turn to look at him, questioningly, but he only smiles, while returning my gaze. I get the impression that he is daring me to make the next move, but I am not that way inclined. I consider moving my arm away, but decide that I am enjoying his attention.
Except for Sarah, who ignores me completely, and Jared, who is looking out over the ocean, while tracing the side of my arm with feather-soft movements, we all laugh and talk about school, movies we have seen, books some of us have read, music we listen to, our favorite colors and food. I am sure that if they did not know me before this, they now certainly did.
Much later, a fine misty rain starts falling over us and we all get up disappointed, stretching and shaking sand from our clothes.
A shiver unexpectedly runs through my body, and Jared turns towards me, asking softly, “Are you cold, now?”
“Yes, I am,” I say laughing, while rubbing my hands over my arms.
“Here.” He takes his jacket from over his arm, and standing behind me, he helps me to slip my arms in, one at a time. He leans into me and says, “In Ireland, you never, ever leave home without a jacket.”
He pulls me closer to his chest, leaning his head over my shoulder to pull up the zip of the jacket - it takes all my concentration to keep breathing.
Jane walks by, and says, “Or an umbrella.”
“Oh yeah, that too,” he laughs softly, and moves away from me, brushing his lips fleetingly against my ear.
I close my eyes for a second to compose myself, and then I start to walk up the beach, following everybody back to the parking area. My whole body is entirely aware of Jared walking only a few steps behind me.
When we get to the parking area, everybody is still in good humor, and there is a lot of pushing, bumping and laughing going on. I stand slightly separated from them and it is my intention to sit in the back with Jane, so that Aaron can get into the front passenger seat. Sitting so close to Jared all evening, while he was tracing lazy patterns on my bare arm, made me feel self-conscious, and I did not want him to think I was jumping to conclusions, claiming the front seat as my own.
I walk towards the Jeep and open the back door, but just as I step to lift myself onto the back seat, Jared is beside me. He circles his arms around my waist, hugging me close to him, and carries me to the front passenger door. He sets me down, opens the door and smiles, while indicating with a small bow for me to get into the car. I feel a rush of heat up my cheeks, and smiling shyly, I get into the front seat.
I suppose I can object, but did I really want to?
While Jared walks around the Jeep, I quickly buckle myself in. He gets in and says grinning, “I don’t mind doing that for you. I find it quite enjoyable.”
There is an unexpected chokehold around my throat as I try to swallow, so I only manage to smile bashfully.
What is wrong with you, Elizabeth?
Jane and Aaron get into the Jeep, and then I hear Connell hoot twice and drive off, while Jared starts his Jeep. We drive straight to Jane’s house, and this time it is only Jane and Aaron laughing and joking, while both Jared and I stare out of the front windscreen silently.
I know I should be saying something, but I also know that if I opened my mouth only gibberish would pour out from my lips, so I keep my lips tightly shut.
Jane lives in the village and when we stop in front of her house, she leans over and kisses Aaron on the cheek. She then pats first me, then Jared on the shoulder and gets out of the car, with everybody saying, “Bye, see ya later,” almost at the same time.
We drive off with Jane standing in her doorway, waving at us.
Looking at her, I wonder if Jane likes Aaron. Maybe she is just feeling sorry for him and the kiss on the cheek was maternal, maybe even protective? I remember her relief weeks ago when I said that I was not interested in a relationship with Aaron, and then the way she sometimes looks at him when she thinks no one is looking at her. Should I ask her about Aaron or would she think I am being nosy?
It feels as if all the happy energy left when Jane left, and all that remained is an awkward silence, so the atmosphere in the car is unbearable. Jared switches on the stereo and after pushing a few buttons, a song by David Gray starts to float through the car, soft and melodious.
I look out the window at the dark houses passing by, and smile to myself listening to the words of the song. The lyrics ‘be mine, be mine’ strike me as ironic.
Once we drive out of the village, I notice that we are driving in the opposite direction of where my manor is, and Aaron says from the back, “Jared, why are you doing this?”
“Aaron, please, not now,” Jared replies brusquely.
“No. Why are you dropping me off first?”
“Aaron, could you please just let this go for now, we can sort it between us later.”
I notice Jared glaring at Aaron in the rear view mirror, and I hear an irritated, exaggerated sigh come from the back, but no one says anything further.
A while later Jared turns into a driveway decorated with a massive, ornate gate. The headlights of the car sweep across the front of the impressive house, and I believe that this is what a manor should look like.
Jared looks towards me as we drive in. He asks seriously, “Did you know we are neighbors?”
I shake my head. “No.”
Aaron adds sulkily from the back, “Yeah, just separated by eleven miles of field.”
“That is a lot of land, not like I can wave hello from my porch,” I say and laugh, feeling silly.
Jared smiles amused as he stops in front of the house.
Aaron opens the door, but does not get out straight away. He seems to want to say something, hesitating, but then decides against it. He gets out, slamming the door shut, not hearing my, “Bye.”
Without looking back, he marches across the footpath, opens the door to his house and walks into the light. Seeing Aaron so upset makes me wonder that if I should fall in love with Jared, and I think I am, would we still be friends.
I see his mom deep in the room walking towards him, looking worried, and I remember instantaneously that I forgot to call my mom after school today!
I lift myself up from the chair, arching my back, trying to pull my phone out of my pocket. I eventual wrench it loose from whatever it is stuck to. Pulling it out of my pocket, I look at the screen.
Elizabeth, it is still switched off!
“What’s wrong?” Jared asks, as we drive away from his manor.
“My mom and dad are so going to murder me. I forgot to call her this afternoon, and my phone is still switched off. They must be worried sick about me.”
“I’ll come in with you and explain,” he offers.
“I don’t think so - just imagine what they would say if I arrived at home with a strange boy, this late at night.” I insist irately.
He laughs, deep from his belly, and I cannot help but grin while I look at him questioningly.
“You look cute when you are annoyed and worried, especially with all the blue and red lights reflecting off the dashboard onto your face - a little alien.”
I hit him playfully, laughing as well. “Not funny.”
“Hey, don’t harass the driver, these roads take serious navigation.”
“I’m sure they do. I don’t know how I’ll be able to drive here. I am used to big open highways and driving on the other side of the road.”
“Yeah, but consider this, would you really and honestly, deep from the bottom of your heart, ever want to trade this scenic drive for a six lane highway?”
“I suppose not.” Amused, I ask him, “You like David Gary?”
He glances towards me, outwardly unsure of himself. “I do. Does that seem weird?”
Smiling, I say, “No.” Yet truthfully, it does seem funny. I do not know many people my age who like David Gray - more often than not, we are into the popular music of the day.
This is the most words he has spoken to me the entire evening - he does not talk much. I mostly look out of the window to my side, at the trees flashing by and listening to the music. It feels pleasantly comfortable. My earlier self-consciousness at the beach has evaporated and I am just enjoying his quiet company.
We turn off into the drive to my manor, and I tell Jared grumpily, “An artwork in progress, according to my dad.”
When speaking to people who did not know me, I always referred to Sean as my dad, it makes for less explaining.
He stops the car and turns in his seat, looking towards me. “Are you sure you don’t want me to walk you to the door?”
“No thanks,” I insist.
“It would look better if they saw it was someone your own age, rather than a strange man of fifty seven, whom you might be meeting on the sly.”
“You just sound creepy now, not funny.”
“Okay, go before your dad comes out here with a shotgun - you know they are illegal in this part of the world,” he jokes.
I open the door and start to get out, but then, hesitating, I turn towards him and start to take off his jacket.
“No, you can give it to me at school. I wouldn’t want you catching a cold now and not be at school tomorrow. I’ll miss you terribly.”
Yes!
I get out of the car and he leans across the seat I just vacated. “It was really nice to eventually meet you, Elizabeth.”
I smile and say bye while closing the door, wondering if he is just being overly polite and what he possibly means with ‘eventually meeting me’.
Walking past the front of his car, I wave again. He waves back, smiling absentmindedly.
When I walk through my red front door, I turn back to wave once more, but he is already driving away, so I close the door behind me - nerves bundling into a knot in my stomach.
My mom and Sean are in the lounge and I can hear their soft murmurs from the hall. Every now and again, my mom’s voice gets a higher pitch of anxiety.
The central heating is set to Tropical Island and as I shrug out of Jared’s jacket, my mom walks into the hall, relief washing over her face.
“Did you have fun, my dear?” she asks, smiling. I can see she is not happy, only wanting to please me in some bizarre way, after I was so unhappy moving here.
I feel guilty, but answer, “I did actually.”
Sean storms into the hall and stares at me accusingly. He walks to my mom’s side and puts his arm around her shoulder. “You should have called, you know how your mom gets, especially after we tried to call and your phone was off. We were just about to call the police.”
“I know. I am sorry that I forgot.” I look at my mom, and say pleadingly, “Really, I am sorry.”
“We are glad you made new friends, but please do not let this happen again. Your mom needs to know where you are at all times.” Sean carries on, “Not difficult, is it?”
“No, of course not.”
He smiles suddenly, but the smile does not reach his eyes. It is one of those trying to be friendly, but still angry smiles, “Now, go and get changed, young lady.”
I take the stairs to the second floor two by two, and by the time I reach my room, I am raging. They are forever treating me like a child. My mother is over-protective to the point of smothering, and needs to know where I am all the time. Deep down, I know I cannot blame her after the suddenness of my dad’s death. I know and I understand how she worried where he was for hours, before there was a knock at the door, announcing that he died. Still, I need some space – it is very tiresome.
I change into my pajamas, and then I shake as much sand as possible out of my school uniform into the shower cubicle. I decide to stay in my room and sulk, but I am too hungry, so I go back downstairs in search of dinner.
To placate my family I spend the rest of the evening with them, although all I want to do is go to bed and analyze my sudden, crushing feelings for Jared.
When Sean is his pleasant self again, and my mom has relaxed, I say goodnight and go upstairs. My room feels a little cozier than that first day, months ago - not much, but I turn a blind eye and snuggle into bed.
I close my eyes and see Jared’s face in front of me. It seems ridiculous and rash, honestly too fast, but I think I love him. Could that even be possible?
I lay daydreaming, reliving every detail of the day in my mind, obviously only the parts involving Jared, for most of the night.
When I eventually do fall asleep, I am smiling contentedly.
CHAPTER FOUR
I only wake up when my mom calls out my name while passing my bedroom door.
With a deep sigh, I get up, and walk over to the window to see what the weather brought us today. It is a truly dreary day - grey, gray and grey everywhere.
No wonder I overslept, it is still almost dark outside, not to mention that I lay most of the night thinking about Jared.
I realize that I only have half an hour before we have to leave for school, so in a whirlwind I rush through my room. I am as ready as I will ever be by the time my mom calls from the hall, “Come Elizabeth, or do you want to be late for school?”
My mom complains all the way to school about my tardiness, and I am relieved when we eventually stop in front of the gate. Jane is waiting for me as always.
“Hey Elizabeth, you are late today,” she says when I reach her.
“Hey.” I shrug, and turn back to wave to my mom.
“Looks like summer said goodbye yesterday,” Jane says looking up into the sky, and I agree.
We walk down the pathway to the main building and start talking together, but polite as only Jane can be, she allows me to speak first.
“Do you like, and I mean, really like Aaron?” I ask her inquisitively.
Her head snaps around to look at me, and then she looks around to see who might be in the near hearing vicinity. I give her a questioning look, pulling my eyebrows up curiously.
“Yes, I do - alright?” she whispers.
“So what is your problem then, telling me he really adores me?”
She sighs, “What is there for me to do, we have been together in the same school, in the same group of friends since first year and he just does not notice me.”
“Make him notice you!”
“How, must I do that?”
“Tell him.”
Easier said than done.
Horrified, she stares at me, “Have you completely lost your mind?”
“Maybe.” I smile mysteriously.
“Please, promise me you would never tell him,” she begs horrified.
“No,” I say laughing.
“Please,” she grabs onto my shoulders and she whirls me around so that I am facing her. “Please!”
“Honestly,” I say, still laughing. “If I am going to be your friend, you are really going to have to start trusting me.”
She smiles and sighs with relief.
We carry on walking, and she retaliates, “It’s not like you would tell Jared how you feel about him, now would you?”
Vivid memories flash through my mind. The dark cropped hair, the full eyebrows, the long eyelashes and the perfectly straight nose. The luscious lips and those green eyes, the strong arms twirling me around and around, the jacket I forgot at home that smells so very much like him, his whisper against my ear.
I smile, sighing blissfully, “Is it that obvious?”
“Yeah, and I noticed him too taking a particular interest in you last night.”
“I am sure he has a new girlfriend every week.”
“You’ll be so surprised,” she answers.
“Why would I be surprised?”
She changes the subject, and says seriously, “You shouldn’t let Sarah bother you; there is a long story behind her and Jared.”
“What story?” I demand urgently, but just then, we walk into the main building. It is toasty warm inside and I notice Jared immediately. He is standing at his locker, separate from the group of people that I now considered my friends. His back is turned away from the entrance.
I walk past Jared towards my locker, and then I greet him friendly, “Good Morning, Jared.”
He glances over his shoulder at me with a frown, and then he pushes past me with a ‘Yeah’.
What? Should have waited for him to say hello first!
I turn towards Jane. She smiles sympathetically, saying, “Will tell you the whole story at break. You need to know.”
“Tell me now,” I insist gently.
The bell rings and she replies apologetically, “It is a long story, as I said earlier. I will tell you at break.”
I do not want to seem desperate, so I agree and then we walk to our class together, while I pretend that everything is as it should be.
I cannot concentrate on any of my subjects. I go over every little detail of the previous evening, looking for something, anything that I could have done wrong, that would have offended him so strongly. Maybe I was so attracted to him that I misread him completely, that I thought he was just as attracted to me, when obviously he was not.
After each class, walking down the corridor to my next class, my eyes search for him. I see him, and I notice that he sees me too. He returns my gaze, so why then is he avoiding me?
I am starting to get an awful, gut wrenching feeling in my stomach, which gets worse as the day drags on. By the time break arrives, it is raining outside, which means Jane and I cannot go out to sit on the grass, or the pavilion to get some privacy. Obviously, the cafeteria is not a place for secrets.
She looks at me helplessly, but I take hold of her by the hand and gently, yet persistently, I make her follow me up and down the corridors. We find a corner away from everywhere, away from too much student traffic and we sit down on the carpeting. We sit next to each other and lean our backs against the cold, damp wall, folding our legs in under us.
I look towards Jane and insist at once, “Tell me. I can’t wait any longer.”
“Okay, so Jared and Sarah have basically been together from the day they were born, because their parents have been friends since forever. I suppose it got serious between them in first year and everybody knew that Jared was the more serious one, so when Sarah broke it off with him in third year, he was devastated. He did not come to school for a whole term, rumors were going around that he had broken his leg, but nobody ever saw him to say if it was so or not. To make matters worse Sarah left Jared for Dermot, a relationship that was doomed from the beginning. For two years now, Jared has not even looked in the direction of another girl, except Sarah, so she has always believed that he was still hers to have, whenever she wanted him. That is also why we were all so shocked yesterday when he seemed so attracted to you and,” she whispers, “Sarah now hates you with a passion.”
Jane smiles at me sympathetically, and I say shocked, “It must be difficult for him to still hang out in the same group of friends as her, if she broke his heart like that.”
“I am sure he is long over her,” she says, sounding cheery and optimistic.
“I don’t think so, because why then is he ignoring me today? Maybe, he is still waiting for her and he was trying to make her jealous with me, the new girl. I obviously jumped to conclusions, but …”
“No, you didn’t jump to anything,” she interrupts me. “We all noticed him taking an out of the ordinary interest in you, but you have to understand, he has not gone out with another girl for two years now, so maybe he is afraid to be hurt again.”
I frown briefly, while she continues, “Well anyhow, your parents also move in the same social circles now as Jared’s and Sarah’s parents, so you don’t have to shy away from going after him, you know?”
“What are you talking about?” I stare at her disbelievingly.
“The land your dad owns, Jared’s parents’ land, and Sarah’s parents’ land all surround the village, and all three these properties have been in the same families since the 1300’s, owned by Lords. They are all very prominent people in this community - you see where I am going?”
“My dad only inherited the farm, so it doesn’t mean we have status and money, and besides how can you say that – that I can pursue him because we own a manor of over 600 years old? That just seems pretentious.” I smile absent-minded, and then say more to myself than to her, “I won’t hurt him, you know.”
“You really fell for him fast, didn’t you?” she asks concerned.
“I don’t know what it is. I suppose it could be love at first sight, if there is such a thing. I really do like him more than I would like to admit to at this moment, and now it seems he hates me and that I don’t have a chance anyway.” I smile glumly, and suddenly realize, “Don’t tell me that this is the reason why you and Aaron are not together, because his parents are supposedly prominent in this community?”
“Well, I am very middle class, but I would really consider my natural shy nature, to be my greatest flaw in this aspect.”
I sigh miserably, but grin, “Jared did light up my senses like a Christmas tree though.”
Jane starts to giggle uncontrollably, and I cannot help smiling with her.
The bell rings and we get up, walking arm in arm to our next class.
When we walk into our Irish class, Aaron looks at us and asks annoyed, “Where were you? We were looking all over for the both of you.”
Jane bursts out laughing for no apparent reason. Irritated, Aaron turns his back on us, and sits down at his desk.
After school, I take my time at my locker. The fifth year Business class is running late, and I saw Jared staring out the window with a vacant look in his eyes.
Even with the ache in my heart, I still smile because he is so very boyishly handsome.
Aaron joins me and I am hoping that he will move on fast, but not too fast. I did not want Jared to think I was waiting for him.
Aaron interrupts my thoughts, and asks cautiously, “Are you okay?”
“Yes, I suppose.”