About the Author
Sue Edgerley has spent the last 15 years working with children, schools and families as a tutor and carer. Apart from writing, she currently assists children to develop their social skills and confidence.
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Smashwords Edition, License Notes
This ebook is licensed for your personal enjoyment only. This ebook may not be re-sold or given away to other people. If you would like to share this book with another person, please purchase an additional copy for each recipient. If you’re reading this book and did not purchase it, or it was not purchased for your use only, then please return to Smashwords.com and purchase your own copy. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.
Copyright © 2010 by Sue Edgerley
Cover design by Sue Edgerley
Book design by Sue Edgerley
All rights reserved.
Sue Edgerley
www.5keysparenting.com
First Printing: August 2010
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What if there was a way to end all the arguing, whining, backchatting and rudeness in your family in just a few weeks?
How would you feel if your kids did what you asked them to do - the first time you asked?
How proud would you feel if other people complimented you on how polite and well mannered your children were?
When you read this book, you will find out how to use just 5 simple principles to create the happy family you always dreamt of. You will discover the techniques our grandparents, great-grandparents, great-great-grandparents used to raise happy and beautifully mannered children.
What other readers are saying:
"I just read the whole of your e-book. FANTASTIC!!! That good it held my attention from beginning to end. And that says a lot as I hate reading on the PC. I only wish that I had this as a guide when bringing up my daughter, Fia." - Madeene, Principal, Grace Academy
1. What has Gone Wrong with Modern Parenting?
2. Principles of 5 Keys Parenting
8. The 5 Keys Approach to Modern Parenting Issues
17. Being Friends with Your Children
18. Happiness and Resilient Children
19. How to Introduce the 5 Keys System into Your Family
20. How to Discipline a Teenager
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Introduction
Many current parenting practices actually make raising a family more difficult now than 30 years ago, but it does not have to be that way. Being a good parent does not have to be a complicated and stressful matter. Mastering 5 simple principles will enable you to create a simple parenting plan, a happy home and secure children.
My aim with this book is to show parents:
•Why they need to take charge of their family,
•What modern beliefs are counterproductive to raising a happy family,
•How to take up the reins with ease,
•What are the important lessons they need to teach their children, and
•How to enjoy being a parent and have fun.
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1. What Has Gone Wrong With Modern Parenting?
The origins of modern parenting
In the past 40 years, roughly since the 1960s, parenting has undergone a revolution in thinking.
Traditionally, parenting revolved around parents being seen as authoritative figures. Children were given firm boundaries and were expected to obey their parents. Failure to do so was met with immediate consequences, usually in the form of a smack or spanking.
Many people during the free spirited 1960s began to believe that the restrictive, often severe parenting styles of earlier generations were unsuited to a modern society. This was supported by the books of Dr. Spock and other influential child psychologists. Each decade since has seen more and more movement away from traditional parenting.
The main changes that have occurred in parenting are:
1. The roles becoming blurred
•The focus shifted from what’s best for the family to what’s best for the child.
•The parents’ roles became blurred and interchangeable
•The responsibility for teaching manners and values shifted from the parents to a shared responsibility between schools, child carers and the parents
•From having a focus on raising a well rounded, well adjusted child, the focus is now on boosting the child’s self esteem, talents and happiness
2. Discipline no longer being clear cut
•Discipline moved from being physical to consequence based
•Where children were once expected to treat parents with complete respect and obedience, children can now express themselves fully even if it is disrespectful
•Parents are now often reluctant to assert authority and want to be friends with their kids
•Where once the community felt responsible for raising children, now parents are solely responsible for all aspects of child raising
3. More exposure to outside influences
• Children are now heavily exposed to media influence through television, computer, magazines, internet, mobile phones, etc, many of which did not exist 30 years ago
• Where once the whole family gathered to watch family-friendly television, most evening shows are now laden with inappropriate content
• Children begin adolescent behaviour earlier because of over exposure to outside influences
• The perception that the world is not safe has lead to a move from children having a lot of freedom to explore to an increased focus on keeping children close to home and heavily supervised
• This has also lead to a change from physical, interactive and imaginative play to activities revolving around television, computer or other electronic entertainment
4. The fragmenting of family life
• Family are more fragmented, with members entertaining themselves separately in and out of the home, where once there was a strong focus on family activities
• Where once dinner was always eaten around the table, now dinner is often eaten in front of the television
• Where once mothers stayed home, now both parents often work
• Families are often now isolated from the extended family, with grandparents, aunties, cousins, etc. living all over the country
What has been the result of these changes?
We have now had the opportunity to observe the results of those changes for the last 20 years or so. While some changes have been for the better (i.e. the greater involvement of fathers in parenting), many of the changes have resulted in negative outcomes for parents, children and families as a whole.
Compare modern children with children raised by traditional methods, and you will see that children today have:
• Poorer manners and values
• Less respect for adults and parents, in particular
• Less social confidence and understanding of etiquette
• Less self control and self discipline
• Less appreciation for elders
• Poorer personal ethics and morals
• More precocious and sexualised behaviour
• More anxiety and depression
Families today are under far more stress than traditional families, as a result. Children do not respect their parents’ authority and do not seem to have much faith in their parents’ ability to make good decisions. Parents cannot set rules or ask for assistance in the home without arguments and resistance. This makes for a less than harmonious environment to raise a family in.
An examination of modern parenting styles
Traditionally, there was very little variation in parenting styles as most parents followed the same basic model of parenting. Nowadays, however, parenting books and experts abound; techniques and theories abound. The one thing you can say they all have in common is a belief in showing love and that the traditional methods of physical discipline do not work. Apart from that, the styles of parenting you can choose from are ridiculously long and varied.
You can choose to follow ‘slow parenting’ (in which parents stand back, merely supporting their children in doing what they want to do as independents), or ‘concerted cultivation’ (in which children are driven to attend a maximum number of lessons and organised activities, each designed to teach them a valuable skill which the parent has decided for them) or ‘attachment parenting’ (which seeks to create strong emotional bonds, avoiding physical punishment and accomplishing discipline through interactions which ‘recognize a child's emotional needs by focusing on an holistic understanding of the child), or ‘nurturant parenting’ (where children are expected to explore their surroundings with protection from their parents), and so on and on.1
Why don’t modern parenting methods work?
There are always some parents who manage to thrive within these parenting styles. However, the vast majority of parents find themselves struggling without understanding why. They follow the advice given by modern experts as best as they can and then feel like failures because it doesn’t work.
The essential reason the advice of modern parenting experts doesn’t work is that it is just too complicated to apply well. On-the-ground parenting requires an ability to respond rapidly and responsively. Parents don’t have time to remember what the book said to do!
Why are modern parenting methods so complicated?
Modern parenting experts exhort parents to think about their own behaviour (are they being reasonable, have they explained what they want from their children, are the rules clear?) and then consider the individual child (what outside pressures might have led to this, does she need a sympathetic ear or firm discipline, what is an appropriate consequence for the situation and her age?) Parents then have to decide on the best approach by considering whether this been discussed previously, whether this was the same consequence imposed last time, did it work, etc. It is all just too exhausting and complicated for parents who are dealing with longer work days and a complicated modern society.
An example of expert advice
Recently, I heard a parenting expert on a television morning show talking about how to deal with toddler tantrums. The interviewer pointed out that she gave her child lots of love and yet he still had tantrums. “What am I doing wrong?!” she pleaded. The expert responded with a long winded and vague explanation about how the mother needed to really think about what need wasn’t being met. Really?! Apart from being completely unhelpful, the result was a parent who felt inadequate because she was not ‘meeting the needs’ of her child, and frustrated because she still didn’t know how to stop tantrums! Is it possible that the only need not being met was the child’s desire for a lollipop in the shop?!
And that is one of the problems with modern parenting advice. All too often, the advice is vague - or convoluted, setting parents up for failure and thus undermining their confidence. Parents then feel insecure about their ability to be good parents which in turn leads to hesitancy in discipline.
How modern techniques set parents up for failure
Even where advice is specific, it often doesn’t work and the parent is still left feeling like a failure.
For instance, there is plenty of practical advice available on the correct use of consequences in disciplining. However, in real life, parents find this difficult to put into practice. Consequences have to be ‘relevant’, age-appropriate, prompt and consistent to work. When you multiply those criteria by the number of rules you are trying to teach your kids, it can quickly become a minefield!
Julie is a parent of 3 kids – a 13 year old, 9 year old and a 6 year old. She was very frustrated because it seemed to her that she had spent the last 13 years teaching her kids the same rules over and over again. “I am still trying to teach my kids to keep their room clean, not leave towels on the floor, and put dirty cups in the dishwasher. I feel like a general because I am constantly having to tell them what to do! They are tired of it and so am I!”
This is a common complaint with modern parents. Lessons that once took 2 or 3 times to teach are still being taught well into the teen years! This is a result of overly complicated and inconsistent methods of discipline.
Parents tend to accept the advice of parenting experts as gospel. Yet modern parenting is based on relatively new and untried theories. Like communism, some theories sound good on paper but just do not work in reality.
What is the alternative?
Modern experts scorn traditional parenting methods yet these methods have withstood the test of time for countless generations, in different cultures and countries. Yes, the minor details might differ but the basic concepts of parenting have remained unchanged.
The question is: should these tried and true methods of parenting be discarded completely or should they just be updated for a new generation and era?
I believe- from personal experience and from observations and consultations with many traditional and non-traditional parents - that the updated traditional parenting system is the most practical and successful parenting system available to parents. It is not based on theories but on the backs of many generations of parenting experience; It is practical and simple to put in place; It allows parents to take the reins of parenthood and, more importantly, to enjoy being a parent! Isn’t that why we have children - so we can love and laugh and play with them?
What are the basic concepts of the updated traditional parenting?
I call the updated traditional parenting system ‘5 Keys Parenting’. Parents only really need to master 5 key principles in order to create a happy, stable family. It is about combining the firm, clear boundaries of traditional parenting with the more affectionate, involved modern parenting techniques.
It means a return to a more traditional style of parenting where parents took charge of the family and understood their purpose was to produce a decent, well adjusted, valuable member of the family and society as a whole. Yet the method by which previous generations accomplished all these goals was simple and straightforward – a mix of discipline, love and courtesy.
The 5 keys which form the backbone of 5 Keys parenting are:
• Composure
• Consistency
• Control (i.e. taking the reins)
• Courtesy and values
• Caring
In this book, I demonstrate how to implement these simple concepts as well as addressing the issues facing modern parents.
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2. Principles of 5 Keys Parenting
What is the charm of updated traditional parenting?
Firstly, by following the principles of 5 Keys Parenting, parents will find their job surprisingly simple and enjoyable. No more scratching heads and wracking brains trying to think of the appropriate response to a situation. No more frustration and guilt because parents know they handled the situation all wrong.
Secondly, if you implement this method early and consistently, the rules of behaviour will be so ingrained in your child by the time they are 12 or 13 years, that they will rarely consider responding rudely or defying you. You will find yourself going through the teen years with a polite, obedient and courteous youth. For parents who have experienced an argumentative, rude and sulky teenager, that will be an irresistible attraction! Parents will be able to focus more on developing their child's character rather than crowd control. That may seem like a wild claim but it is perfectly doable. It's all about training.
A lesson from the past
My father used to tell me a story about his father. My grandfather worked with elephants in the jungles of Burma, hauling logs. The elephants were free to wander around the camp area and never attempted to escape. This was achieved with some simple training. A restraining chain was used to teach the baby elephants their boundaries. They learned that the chain could not be outsmarted or outmanoeuvred and, once absorbed, this lesson never needed to be taught again. All it needed was a small ‘bracelet’ to serve as a constant reminder of their boundaries.
You probably immediately thought ‘hey, my kids aren’t elephants and I’m not chaining them!’ Of course not, but the principles of effective training still hold true. Your children will challenge your authority many times over their childhood. However, if, in those first 12 years, they learn that there is no point to challenging you because you are always smarter, cooler and quicker, then they will cease to do so.
By the time they reach an age when they could challenge you, they will be so well trained that it will not even occur to them. And IF it does occur to them, the habits of respect and obedience that you’ve inculcated in them will prevent them from doing so. This is not just theory – this has been used successfully for many generations. It is called discipline!
How traditional parents disciplined their children in the past
When my siblings and I were growing up, we received many smacks on the hand from our traditional father. Yet we never needed to receive another smack after the age of 12 because we had learned the habits of prompt obedience and healthy respect for our parents by then. How many modern parents can claim this level of success?
In our teen years when we were resentful of our parents’ authority and inclined to be rebellious, we still couldn’t bring ourselves to be disobedient or disrespectful – those lessons were just too well ingrained.
It helped that we had a healthy awe of our father – not because we were afraid of his smack (which never stung more than a few seconds) but because he always seemed to be in control – of himself and the situation. Whatever was going on inside him, we never saw him lose his temper in all those years or seem unsure of what to do next. For children (so prone to strong emotions and impulses), seeing an adult with so much control inspires a lot of respect and awe.
When your children are teenagers, it is their respect and awe of you as parents that allows you to retain control and influence over them. If you have not gained that respect and obedience by then, you will most likely be in for a rough time
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Composure. Such a simple word and so powerful. This is one of the most important skills a parent can learn. It will allow you to stay in control of your emotions, earn the respect of your family and handle any situation you find yourself in. By being unflappable, you teach your child that it is pointless to make a scene, and thus bypass many of the dramas of modern parenting.
When you lose your composure, you are more likely to react in ways that you will regret later. You may slap your child, make contemptuous comments that wound them deeply, impose punishments out of proportion to the offence or damage your authority by yelling and arguing with your child.
Composure creates predictability and security
Seeing you upset or in any way out of control is frightening and confusing to your child. It creates a sense of uncertainty and insecurity in their lives. If mum and dad are not 100 % predictable and safe, then the world becomes a scary place.
Conversely, if you always appear calm, no matter what your child has done, they feel safe and secure because clearly there is nothing in the world that mum and dad can’t deal with. More importantly, that there is nothing that they can DO that mum and Dad can’t handle, nothing that will make mum and dad hate or despise them. This goes a long way towards creating confident, resilient children.
Composure helps you stay in control
Composure is a vital part of disciplining your children because any time you appear frustrated, angry, tearful, etc, you have lost the ‘battle of wills’. In an ideal world, there would be no battle of wills with your children, but in reality, children test their relationship with their parents on a regular basis. It is part of establishing their boundaries and autonomy.
Instead, each time your children challenge you, you should see it as an opportunity to show them that your boundaries are not negotiable and the cost of crossing those boundaries is not worth it. Part of holding those boundaries steady is appearing imperturbable because your child will feel he has won the round if he succeeds in making you lose control in any way. It doesn’t matter if you then make your child do what he was told or if you punish him afterwards – by losing your composure, you let your child win that round. Your young child might not be able to put it in those words but he registers and tucks away the knowledge that he succeeded in making mum or dad lose control.
Composure creates respect and awe
Losing your composure is not only detrimental to discipline, but, if it occurs on a regular basis, will erode a child’s natural awe of his larger than life parents. The perception that there is nothing they can do to upset you goes a long way to developing a healthy respect and awe of you in your child. By awe, we do not mean fear but the emotions of reverence, admiration and wonderment. These are the emotions that will ensure that your children accept what you are trying to teach them and later, will ensure that they do not challenge you as teenagers.
If you have not established your position as deserving of respect and awe by then, you will have little chance of maintaining control over your teens. Fear of disciplinary measures alone will not work with teens. By showing coolness and calmness no matter what behaviour your child displays, whether it is a young child’s mischief or an older child’s impudence, you show a self-control that a child can only admire. Children’s struggle to control emotion and impulse make a parent’s self control appear amazing and almost magical. You can use this to your advantage.
Julie, the mother of 3 mentioned earlier, after some thought and discussion, decided to put in place a plan of action to tackle her own tendency to lose her temper. She decided on the following plan:
a) She would only give an instruction once
b) She would give the kids 10 minutes to comply and then she would discipline them, in this case with the loss of television and computer privileges
c) She would avoid losing her composure by sending her children for a time-out in the laundry if they tried to argue with her
Julie explained this new arrangement to her children and then implemented it the next day. It didn’t take long for her to have an opportunity to put the plan into action. When her 9 year old son came home from school, she asked him to hang out the clothes. He mumbled something and then wandered off. Julie resisted the urge to remind him again or to get into a discussion about it, and instead called him to her after 10 minutes. She calmly reminded him of the new plan and told him he was banned from the television and computer until the chore was done.
“Of course, he started to argue with me,” Julie told me “so I promptly sent him off to the laundry and told him he could come out when he apologised to me and did his chore. To my surprise, it only took 10 minutes! He apologised and did the clothes, and that was the end of it! I was thrilled because usually I have to ask 3 times for the clothes to be hung out, and then I get exasperated and cranky and end up having to raise my voice just to get the chore done. That always made me feel so helpless and frustrated. Now I feel that I am in charge again.”
Strategies for Remaining Composed
Becoming a composed parent does not happen overnight. However, by putting the following strategies in place, you will soon see an improvement in your self-control. In return, your children will respond to the change in your attitude.
1. Make a resolution to yourself that you will always appear calm in front of your children. Put up reminders, if you need to, in the kitchen and living areas – maybe something like ‘remember the 5 Keys’ or ‘fake it till you make it!’ This is largely about acting, after all. It is a resolution you will have to make anew each day until it comes naturally.
2. Practice, practice, practice. Your children should give you plenty of opportunities to practice your acting skills. Rehearse interactions beforehand in your head whenever possible. The nice side benefit is that you will eventually find that you don’t have to fake it often. It will become part of your natural behaviour. Don’t worry about it if you don’t get it right straight off – once you’ve mastered it, your children will eventually forget that there was ever a time that you weren’t King and Queen of Cool.
3. If you feel yourself struggling to keep your composure, remove yourself or your child from the situation until you are composed again. This gives you time to decide how to approach the situation calmly while remaining in control. While it is preferable to deal with corrections immediately, giving yourself some time to regain composure is better than engaging in a heated scene with your child. Eventually, you will not need the break.
4. Any time you hear your voice start to rise, end the engagement promptly. You are training yourself as much as your child.
5. Learn to have a light touch in your dealings with your child. If you can handle the situation with humour, do so. Enjoy the challenge. Laugh at the fact that a child can make you lose your cool and resolve to do better next time.
6. Keep a bit of a smile on your face in your interactions with your kids. You would be surprised how difficult it is to lose your cool when you are smiling!
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4. The Second Key – Consistency
What do we mean by consistency?
When we talk about consistency, we are talking about being predictable as parents. It means enforcing rules and boundaries each and every time the opportunity occurs. Parents must be prepared to insist that their children follow the rules of behaviour that they set, even though it is often a thankless, tedious task.
It means not giving children chance after chance to do the right thing, or begging off discipline because you just don’t feel like making an issue of it today, or giving them another warning because you can’t remember if you have talked to them about it before. Parents who are inconsistent teach their children nothing, except maybe not to listen to them. You are better off not setting a rule or a boundary at all until you are prepared to enforce it each and every time.
Consistency also means being predictable with your consequences. Children need to be able to predict what will happen if they choose to ignore a rule. If the consequence changes from day to day, how can children do that?
Consistency establishes boundaries
Consistency allows a child to know what to expect. It clearly shows a child just how far he can go and what the consequences will be if he chooses to cross that line. More importantly, it enables even a young child to draw a map of his world in his head. This creates a great sense of security and stability in a child.
Even a 1 year old can learn ‘yes/no’, ‘touch/don’t touch’. A firm ‘no’ and a tap on the back of the hand will quickly teach a toddler or even a crawler what he can and can’t touch in the house, where he can and can’t go, what he can and can’t do- as long as it is applied consistently.
Having learnt these rules of the house, a toddler will quickly learn to apply these same rules to other people’s houses. This means your child will not only be welcome in other people’s houses but they will have learnt their first lesson in manners – ‘don’t touch other people’s things’.
However, correcting a child for touching a vase, for example, on an irregular basis will just create confusion and uncertainty. Some parents apply a correction on the first instance and then next time, only warn their child verbally. The same parents may then warn for several occasions and then in exasperation use a correction. Other parents use different consequences for the same behaviour being corrected. This inconsistency achieves nothing except confusion.
When I was a young mum, I observed a toddler in our playgroup who was clearly confused by his mother’s lack of consistency. He had a tendency to smack other kids over the head with whatever was in his hand, if he didn’t get his way. His young mother was clearly at a loss over how to handle it – sometimes she would ignore it, sometimes she would scold him, sometimes she put him in a time-out, and occasionally, she would smack him. This approach did not achieve anything.
Another mum whose toddler started biting children took a different approach. Her strategy was to keep an eagle eye on her baby and whenever she saw her toddler grab another child in preparation to bite, she called out ‘No!’ If he did not let go, she would quickly go over and calmly smack his padded bottom while repeating the instruction ‘no’. His biting ceased within a few play dates. Her consistent approach had stopped the unwanted behaviour.
Consistency creates security
Another advantage of consistency is that children see their parents as predictable and reliable. These children know exactly how their parents will react in any situation because that is how they have always reacted. Children of consistent, calm parents do not fear them because they have learned that their parents never lose their temper; they do not wonder what the consequence will be because it is always the same consequence. This creates a wonderfully relaxed environment for children to grow up in.
The disciplinary system I grew up with, for example, couldn’t have been simpler: we received one warning and if that was ignored, we received a calmly delivered smack. The result was that I trusted my parents completely because they were so predictable. I knew exactly how they would react to any misbehaviour on my part! This consistency is rarely seen today, and it is a great loss.
Children of consistent parents quickly accept that their parents are correcting their behaviour, not rejecting them. They learn to trust in their parents’ ability to helm the ship and are happy to let them do so. This frees children to be children.
The importance of teamwork
Part of consistency, though, is for parents to work together as a team. It is important to talk about your styles of parenting and come up with a plan that you will both support. Remember, the simpler, the better. Don’t leave room for confusion or inconsistency. A child quickly works out which parent is the ‘soft touch’ and, if they have the opportunity, will manipulate them to get their way. By having a plan both agree on, parents can present a unified front to their children.
There will be instances where one parent feels strongly that the other parent is being unfair. However unfair the situation may appear, though, (we are not talking about abusive situations), it is important that the other parent appear completely supportive, even if they have to grit their teeth or find an excuse to walk away.
Children will forget the circumstances of a perceived injustice quickly, especially if they know their parents always try to be fair. What they don’t forget is discord between their parents. What they file away is the beginning awareness of the tactic ‘divide and conquer’. Any idea that they can run to mum or dad whenever they don’t like the decision of the other parent will cause friction in the family and between parents. Don’t let this ever develop. Always appear supportive and then discuss the issue in private.
It is so easy to fall into these patterns but it is important to remind oneself that more harm is caused by unsupportive parenting than by unjust corrections.
Strategies for Being Consistent
The secret to being consistent is to keep discipline as simple as possible. Think about WHEN and HOW you are going to respond. If you have the same procedure for handling a 2 year old, a 6 year old and a 11 year old, being consistent becomes easy.
1. Remember, have a simple plan! A simple plan is easy to remember, and that is the key to being consistent. If you have to juggle different strategies and consequences for different situations and ages, you increase the risk of being inconsistent. It also makes it difficult for your child to predict what the outcome of their choices will be.
2. Resolve that discipline will be a FIRST response, not a LAST response. When you give an instruction, expect it to be followed immediately. If it isn’t, respond immediately. If, however, you prefer to give your child a timeframe of 15 minutes, say, to follow your instruction, then make sure you respond consistently after that time is up.
3. If you introduce a new rule, be prepared to enforce it every time. This allows a child to predict the outcome of his action with 100% predictability, which in turn teaches the lesson quickly.
4. Stick to the plan! This is so important in teaching children boundaries. If a parent waffles and changes his strategy frequently, it is confusing and ineffective. If you settled on a simple plan, then stick with it, regardless of how sorry your child is, how sincere his promise is, how guilty you feel.
5. Resolve that you will stop explaining, arguing, reasoning and rationalizing with your children. Small children cannot understand you and by the time you have explained yourself and get around to imposing a correction, the meaning of it will have been lost. With older kids, the reasons for disciplinary measures and rules are pretty obvious, even if they swear that you ‘never told me that before!’ By avoiding opportunities for dissension, you are removing opportunities for you to lose your composure or for your child to change your mind.
6. Use the same one or two measures for all corrections. Keeping your choice of consequences simple allows you to react consistently and promptly. A parent needs to be able to discipline a child immediately for it to have the most effect.
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The word control often leaves a bad taste in people’s mouths, having unpleasant connotations of inflexibility and domination. However, when we say a parent needs to retain control, we are talking about taking charge of your family and about having confidence in your ability to do so. A parent has to be the leader of their family and they need to be willing to accept the responsibility that goes along with it.
A lot of modern parents treat their family as a democracy and that is often where the parenting system falls down. Children just do not have the life experience to make decisions about their family, and they are too young to bear that responsibility. Parents need to step up and accept the responsibility of leading their family, even if it means making unpopular decisions. No parent enjoys being the boss-man that no one likes, but when you take on the role as parent, you also take on the role as leader of the family, and sometimes that means having your child dislike you. They will get over it. If you let your reluctance to be unpopular affect your decisions, then it is not the welfare of your child which is important, but your own need to be liked.
The main elements to taking charge of the family are self-control, an effective discipline plan and non-negotiation.
The element of self-control
As discussed in the previous chapter, self-control is an important requirement of being in charge of your family. By being calm whenever you are disciplining your child, you show your child that you know what you are doing and that they are safe with you at the helm of the family. In addition, when you are composed, the chances of the situation blowing up into a fight or drama are minimised. Your child may know all the buttons to push, but if you don’t respond, then they lose much of their power to pick a fight.
Being in control allows you to model self-control to your child. No child likes to lose control of their emotions – it is frightening and embarrassing. By remaining in control of your emotions, you help your child to develop control of their own feelings.
Young children have not been around long enough to understand their own impulses and how to control them. They look to their parents to keep them safe and show them how to develop self control. If the parent won't or can't take charge, the child feels at the mercy of his feelings and impulses. He may even feel that his parents are afraid of him. This is terrifying to a young child who is aware of his angry thoughts but doesn't yet know that impulses can be controlled. You must never let your child control an exchange with you. It is unfair to them to be put in that position.
The elements of an effective discipline system
Another important aspect of control is being able to respond immediately to correct a child’s misbehaviour. Many modern parents lose control of a situation because they cannot think of an appropriate response/consequence. This leads to frustration, trying to reason with children and ultimately, arguments. Having a simple disciplinary plan helps enormously in being able to avoid contention. Forget having a variety of consequences to suit every age and occasion. Choose 1 or 2 consequences that you can impose for any behaviour. However, try to think of consequences that cause a reasonable amount of discomfort for your child as it is the reluctance to incur that consequence again which deters children from doing it again.
Whatever disciplinary method parents use, it is important to be decisive. Most dramas could be completely avoided if parents had the courage of their conviction. Children can sense when parents are vulnerable or uncertain and use that opening to try to change their minds.
One mum, Carrie, said. “I wanted my kids to see me as a reasonable parent so I would always discuss my decisions with my kids. But when I sat down and thought about it, I realised that every ‘scene’ my 13 year old daughter and I had, started out with me trying to explain to my daughter why I made a particular decision. She would try to explain her position, I would respond, she would get upset, I would get more upset... and before long, we would be in the midst of a pitched battle! Now that I accept sole responsibility for all my decisions, good or bad, instead of trying to get her to see my point of view, our relationship is SO much more peaceful - even though she still thinks I’m wrong.”
Whatever method you choose to employ, you must use it promptly, calmly and without entering into any negotiation. Using warnings or coaxing to get a child to behave and then disciplining a child when that doesn't work and he is angry and out of control is too late. Discipline should be imposed immediately a child refuses to do something or a bad behaviour is observed. Ideally, it should be something that is felt then and there and is quickly over so children can get on with their day knowing their parents still approve of and love them.
A lecture or withdrawal of privileges lasts too long and makes a child feel the lengthy weight of parents’ disapproval. This is not necessary and not beneficial. Much better for a child to pay an immediate consequence and then run off to play, knowing mum or dad is watching them with a loving smile and no hard feelings; discipline over.
The element of non-negotiation
Not being drawn into negotiation, discussion or explanations is an essential part of staying in control. You issue an instruction and you expect it to be followed without argument. If children learn that you can be persuaded to change your mind, then there will be no peace in your house. Every request or decision you make will be met by arguments. Instead, teach your children that your decisions are not open to discussion, right or wrong.
If, later, you feel you need to briefly explain your reasons, then go ahead but do not be drawn into a debate or argument. To make my point clear, the time for explanations is not when you issue an instruction. What starts out as a simple explanation all too often ends up in a drawn out, heated argument. This is degrading for the parents and upsetting for children.
Another important reason not to explain your instructions is the requirement for instant obedience. If you see your child about to run onto the road, you want to be able to yell out ‘stop!’ and know your child will freeze on the spot. You don’t want your child to continue what he is doing because you haven’t explained yet why you want him to obey you! This is a big fault in modern parenting.
Parenting experts tell us that explaining to children the reasoning behind your instructions will make it easier for children to understand and follow your instructions but what it has also done is create a generation of children who demand to know ‘why’ every time a parent tells them to do something! This is a huge burden on parents with a few kids and chores that need to be done. It is detrimental to the smooth running and harmony of a household. While it seemed reasonable to explain to a two year old why they had to pick up their toy, it is not so much fun when you are still having to do the same thing to a 14 year old.
The right to be the one in charge of your family is one you must win early on in order for you to be able to do a good job guiding your children to adulthood. If they spend the next 20 years questioning every decision you make, it will be an exhausting and frustrating journey for both of you. There can only be one captain of the ship and you must decide that captain is you.
Strategies for Taking Charge of Your Family
Having a simple strategy in place will give you confidence in your ability to be a good parent. Have a vision for your family and believe in your ability to make that dream a reality.
1. Put a simple, well thought out disciplinary plan in place. Choose just one or two disciplinary measures to correct misbehaviour. This has the advantage of being simple and easily followed by you and your child. You know how to respond at all times, which makes it easy for you to stay composed and in control. Your child knows what to expect at all times which makes his world a safe and secure place to be.
2. Practise remaining calm and composed when correcting your child. Practise the lessons discussed in Chapter 3 – Composure. It is not a bad idea to learn some deep breathing and other calming exercises. If you have time, visualise how the interaction will go. Anticipate your child’s reactions and visualise how you are going to calmly deal with them.
3. Learn the signs that you are losing control. Do not try to persevere if you feel your temper rising. Stop the scene early by removing yourself or your child (preferably your child) with a simple “We will discuss this further later”. Go away, breathe deeply and plan the next exchange with your child so that you always appear calm and in control. Far better than letting yourself be drawn into a ‘scene’. All that achieves is to lose some of your authority in your child’s eyes and embarrass yourself. Eventually, being calm and controlled will be second nature to you and you will not need these interventions.
4. Learn to recognize when a child is about to lose control. If you are only just introducing traditional techniques into your parenting style, your child is likely to challenge you initially while he is trying to determine how serious you really are. Be observant – is your child’s voice starting to rise, are their gestures becoming agitated? Intervene early and you have a good chance of averting a tantrum or ‘scene’. In most cases, these scenes will not occur if you do not engage the child in a discussion about the correction, the fairness or unfairness of your decision, etc. Yes, it may turn out that your decision was unfair but it is better to make the occasional unjust correction than for your child to feel that every decision you make is open for negotiation.
However, if you find yourself with a hysterical child, there is not much you can do except put them in their room until they calm down. Trying to discipline a hysterical child is pointless and likely to lead to you losing your composure and control. Far better to remove them to a safe place and let them calm down. Evaluate the situation and see where things went wrong and refine your plan in order to prevent a reoccurrence.
5. When you have to make a decision, ask yourself if you are being influenced by what’s best for your child or the desire to be liked by your child. It can be tempting to take the easy way out and avoid making decisions that will make you unpopular, but when you took on the leadership role in the family, you also took on the responsibility to make the tough calls.
When a 13 year old girl wants to go to a beach party with her friends desperately, it can be difficult for a parent to say no, but if your instinct says that she is not mature enough to handle that situation yet, then it is important that you stick to your guns and be ‘the evil parent’
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6. The Fourth Key - Courtesy and Values
Many parents today do not spend much time on teaching their children courtesy, apart from the basics, such as ‘please’ and ‘thank you’. Many courtesies have been lost over the last few generations, with the result that children today are often unintentionally rude and abrasive. As for values, parents often assume that kids will just absorb them unconsciously. With all the modern external influences on the family, however, parents cannot afford to sit back and assume that children will develop good values.
Teaching children the rules of social interaction is an important part of a parent’s job, as important as teaching children right from wrong. A child with a thorough grounding in manners and etiquette will have more social confidence, and thus, better social skills.
The importance of developing good social skills
Social skills are behaviours which help others feel comfortable with us and help us make friends. Social skills are arguably the most important set of abilities a person can have! People are social animals and need to be able to connect with other people. Having inadequate social skills can lead to feelings of loneliness, anxiety and depression. Research shows that children with good social skills make friends easier, do better at school and are more resilient to life’s blows.
By teaching your children social skills such as manners and courtesy, you are helping your child develop vital strategies for being successful in their relationships. Karen McIlveen, principal of The Grace Academy finishing school said that teaching your children these skills gives them confidence and boosts their self-esteem. “When a child knows what to say and how to act in any situation, it eases their anxiety and allows them to act confidently.”
What are the key social skills your child needs?
Social skills are built upon as children grow up. A five year old will need a different set of social skills from a thirteen year old child. A five year old child needs to learn how to share, take turns, and deal with frustration. A teen, however, may need to know how to present herself confidently at interviews or deal assertively with difficult situations involving drugs.
Competition for spots in colleges and good jobs is becoming tougher. Those young people whose social skills are well developed and natural will stand out and have a leg up on their peers. Knowing the proper social graces allows children to feel confident and poised. This allows them to shine in social situations, even stressful ones like interviews.
The importance of teaching our children courtesy
There are two aspects to teaching your children courtesy. The first is modelling courtesy by treating each other with respect and kindness and the second is to teach your children the rules of social interactions, i.e. manners and etiquette.
Modelling courtesy
It is important that parents model courtesy within the home. Children need to see that their parents treat each other, and the other members of the family, with kindness and respect. Even though parents need to insist on their children following the rules they set, they must always treat their children with courtesy. This is much easier to do using the 5 Keys parenting philosophy than with modern parenting. The lack of respect and awe today’s children have for their parents mean that parents are often drawn into arguments and expressing their frustration in the form of disgust or contempt.
“Oh, really? This is what you call cleaning your room? What a pig.”
“What a surprise – our daughter not wanting to help out”
Even these relatively mild insults said in sneering tones convey to a child that they are inadequate and a disappointment to you. This in turn results in parents feeling disgust and frustration with themselves.
These scenes can be avoided altogether by using the principles of composure, control and consistency already discussed. A composed, controlled parent will not allow opportunities for dissension and deals with resistance promptly and confidently. This eliminates the need for name-calling and insults. As a result, it is easy for parents to treat their children with courtesy. It goes hand in hand with composure.
Instructions should be given in polite, respectful tones. In return, parents must insist on children responding in a polite, respectful manner. Discipline is meted out calmly and politely. There is no lecturing, no engaging in argument, no raised voices – just an immediate, calm response.
It is important that parents treat each other with courtesy. Children should observe the everyday little courtesies that parents show each other, such as Dad opening the door for mum, insisting on carrying the heavy bags and bringing her a cup of tea when she is tired. They should see mum greeting Dad with a kiss when he comes home, bringing him a drink or offering to take the kids to their soccer game. These little gestures of thoughtfulness go a long way towards showing kids how they should treat other people.
Outside the home, parents can demonstrate tolerance and thoughtfulness for other people. For instance, they can open doors for others, not engage in road rage displays, and get up to let old people have seats.
Teaching manners
In addition to the way parents treat children and vice versa, parents must teach their children manners from an early age. If they can crawl, you can start teaching them manners. Manners are a vital part of doing well in society. So many modern parenting books overlook the importance of this aspect of parenting. So many parents have forgotten (or never learned themselves) the importance of manners. Yet manners and social skills go hand in hand. A child without manners is less likeable than a child with manners. This results in lower confidence and a poor self image. Not knowing for sure how to behave in any given situation makes a child anxious and more likely to act up.
Modern society makes it easy for parents to overlook common manners. Families eat in front of the television so parents don’t notice their children’s table manners. Extended family gatherings are rare so parents don’t have the opportunity to teach their children how to behave around elders. Five course dinners are non-existent for the ordinary family so parents miss out on the opportunity to teach table etiquette. At parties, children run off with other kids so they don’t learn how to converse with adults. Opportunities for teaching children common courtesies like opening a door for women or how to greet someone at the door are not being utilised, with the result that a lot of children are awkward and even unintentionally rude.
For example, none of my children’s friends ever used to say hello to me when they came to my house. They would wander through the house behind my children without ever acknowledging my presence. I know they weren’t being intentionally rude but nonetheless, it grated. No one wants to feel invisible, even parents. To their credit, it only took a couple of prompts for them to start saying hello every time they came over. It just shows that rudeness is often just ignorance. We need to arm our children with all the knowledge they need so they never unintentionally cause offence through bad manners.
Often a person other people see as ‘charming’ is really a person with good manners and practiced social skills. These people have an advantage over most people. It is our job as parents to give our children every advantage we can. So let’s start by arming them with manners and helping them to practise their social skills.
The importance of teaching our children values
In addition to manners, you need to teach values. The values promoted in modern society through the media are often contrary to the values we want our kids to live by. But if we do not work hard to impart our own values to our children, then they will look to other role models like their favourite television characters or rock stars, and their friends for cues on what values to live by.
The influence of the media on our children’s values
The innocence of the television shows we grew up with is a thing of the past. Shows being shown during family viewing time have people jumping in and out of bed, bi-sexuality, drunkenness, stealing, lying, cheating and so on. Some of these issues were addressed when we were kids but always with a moral to the story. It was clear to us that these behaviours were unacceptable. This is not so clear today.
Often these behaviours are portrayed as funny and normal, and our children are lapping it up. Kids today are growing up without a strong work ethic, without a strong moral code, with vague boundaries about right and wrong, and, too often, an opportunistic attitude. If an opportunity comes up to take money without being caught, many teens and young adults will do so without a second’s thought; if an opportunity comes up to take a day off work without being caught, they will; if an opportunity comes up cut corners on a job, they will.
This is a very sad indictment of modern society. It is sad for this generation because they are perceived as untrustworthy, dishonest and unreliable. It is sad because they are growing up without a strong personal code, a compass to guide them through life. It makes it difficult for them to be proud of who they are.
What is the value of values?
Having strong values isn’t just about how other people perceive you but about how you perceive yourself. Being able to draw a line in the sand allows a person to take pride in himself or herself and say ‘this is as far as I go and no further’. Without strong values, a person judges the rights and wrongs of each instance he encounters on an individual basis – and all too often, it will be on the basis of ‘can I get away with it?’ It is hard for that kind of person to have pride in themselves.
A person with strong values, however, has a picture in his mind about the kind of person he is and wants to continue to be. Presented with an ‘opportunity’, he will compare it against this self-image and reject anything that does not fit with it.
In previous generations, a strong emphasis was placed on teaching values. Children were raised to follow more than just the 10 commandments. They were taught to take pride in being honest, trustworthy and reliable. A handshake was enough to seal an agreement. Parents worked as hard at inculcating values in their children as they did on imparting respect and manners.
Parents today need to work even harder to do so as there are many more negative influences on our children than in our parents’ day. It is not enough to expect that children will gradually absorb our beliefs and philosophies just by spending 18 years living with us. We need to take ACTIVE steps to teach our children values.
Strategies for Improving your Children’s Manners
Social skills like manners and courtesy must be taught and practised regularly, in order for children to become confident and self assured.
1. Model good manners and courteousness. Children will be watching their parents to see how they behave. If you are a bit unsure of what is still relevant today, look it up on the net or go to the library. See Appendix II for a list of basic courtesies to teach your children.