The Student’s Guide to Life
Essential lessons on love, learning and success
Andrew K. J. Tan
E-mail: publisher@aktive.com.sg
Online book store: http://www.aktive.com.sg
Copyright © 2007 by Andrew Tan Kal Jek
All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording or otherwise, without the prior permission of the publisher.
ISBN 981-05-6973-4
Contents
Preface
Read the Introduction
PART ONE: Growing Up
The end
From kid to adult
The mouse in the mirror
Being responsible
Me? Genius?
PART TWO: Family Feuds
Taking off from the nest
Playing ping-pong with your parents
Dealing with sibling rivalry
Alternative families
Parenting and sex…education
PART THREE: Making Friends
The loneliness disease
Friendship fundamentals
Building lasting friendships
Overcoming shyness
Your own best friend
PART FOUR: That Special Someone
The truth about Jack and Jill
Understanding attraction
Dating 101
Developing meaningful relationships
Surviving rejection, thriving as a single
PART FIVE: Schoolhouse Rock!
Why do I have to go to school?
Becoming an “ideal” student
Interacting with aliens (i.e. teachers)
Acing those pesky exams
Making the most of school
PART SIX: A Life Worth Living
Dancing on a tightrope
Achieving your dreams
The Dream Killers
Managing your time
A beautiful beginning
Epilogue
Recommended reads
About the author
Preface
I was nineteen when I started work on this book, twenty when I finished. I submitted the manuscript to a local publisher, who wrote back suggesting I make some changes and resubmit. I never did. Publishing is an act of hubris where the author tells the reader: “I have written something worthy of your time and effort.” And I thought to myself: Who am I to tell others how to live?
So I put the manuscript aside and got on with life, spending four wonderful years at Stanford University plus two more in the working world. I had forgotten about the manuscript, but one day chanced upon it, and flipping through the dusty pages realised there was much of value within. The keys to who I had become and what I had achieved in the intervening years were largely in there. And at twenty-seven more confident/arrogant (only a fine line between the two), decided to publish and share it with you.
I am mindful the title promises much and I intend to deliver the best I can. But while I have attempted to be comprehensive and to substantiate my views with research and personal experience, this book is not an encyclopaedic treatise covering everything from Shakespeare to STDs. Treat it more like an older brother giving advice to a younger sibling – sometimes opinionated, sometimes blunt, but always meaning well.
Getting a book from prose to print is a Herculean task. I could not have done it without the contributions of my friends Ann and Belle, who always knew I was a chronic procrastinator, but probably did not expect this book to take eight years. Kudos to my designer Leng and Yap Teck Koon of Linographic Services, for patiently working with me and doing excellent work. As for Linli, her professional portrait photography made me feel like a model. And finally to Han Xu, for her legal eagle eyes and endless encouragement that made all the difference.
I have edited for brevity and updated some examples to make them easier to relate to, but the manuscript remains substantially in its original form. I hope what I have written is worthy of your time and effort.
Yours,
Andrew K. J. Tan
April 2007
Read the Introduction
This is the book I wish I had when I was thirteen.
I wish I knew what I know now about how to manage my time, how to make lifelong friends, and the importance of pursuing my interests. Instead I wasted much time in meaningless activities in the name of “fun”. Now that time is gone forever. But the nice thing about life is, as long as you’re alive you have more time.
Have you ever felt:
– “I avoid looking at myself in the mirror. I hate the pimples on my face, the shape of my body, the way I move.”
– “I quarrel with my parents all the time. They just can’t stop nagging and lecturing me.”
– “I wish I had more friends. When I get back from school everyday, I ache from the loneliness.”
– “I have to get a boyfriend/girlfriend somehow. It’s like you’re inferior or something if you don’t have one.”
– “There’s so much pressure on me to do well. I know I’m supposed to study hard and do my homework, but I’ve got no motivation do these things.”
– “I don’t know what I want to do with my life. I’ve got no ambition or goals. There’s nothing I’m interested in. I’m just drifting along.”
I know I have. And I’ve heard friends and peers express the same feelings countless times. And I remember wishing for something or someone we could consult to alleviate the angst of being a teenager and a student.
The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation.
– Henry David Thoreau
If you want to take control of your life and steer it towards a destination of your choice, this book is for you. You will get relevant information to help you understand and deal with real-life situations. You will also find encouragement and inspiration.
Growing up is tough. Sometimes we all need a bit of help to get us through a sticky situation. This book was written to provide that.
A thought experiment
Let’s try an experiment. Find a clock near you, and look at it for three minutes. During these three minutes, I want you to i) keep your eyes on it, ii) focus your thoughts on it and iii) feel enthusiastic about the task. Do not read any further until you are done. Begin now.
Did you do it? Chances are you didn’t try at all. It was a boring experiment and you didn’t see the point. If you did try it, were you able to keep your eyes on the clock for the full three minutes? Did you manage to think of nothing but the clock? Could you feel enthusiastic about the task?
What you would have noticed is as long as you wanted you could keep your eyes on the clock. Your eyes are under your conscious control. But you probably found it tougher to keep your thoughts solely on the clock. Maybe your thoughts drifted to what you’d be having for dinner or to your barbeque with your friends this weekend, or to what guys supposedly think about every forty-seven seconds (soccer, that is. What were you thinking about?). Feeling enthusiastic about the task was the toughest thing to do. What’s so interesting about a clock?
What’s the lesson here? You have much conscious control over your actions as compared to your thoughts or feelings. As long as you want to do something, your body will obey as best as it can. Your thoughts are harder to control – they flit in and out of your head, and it takes a lot of effort to focus them on something. Your emotions are largely beyond your conscious control, but your thoughts and actions can affect them.
Think back to a time when you completed a school project, perfected a difficult song on your guitar or succeeded in getting a date with someone you were attracted to. You felt groovy. And unless you’re a hopeless pessimist, your thoughts about it were positive too – “I did great!” or “I have a chance!”
The action came first, and then the thoughts and feelings followed. If your actions led to a successful result, positive thoughts and feelings followed. You can do it the other way too – rev up your thoughts and feelings to inspire yourself to act. There’s no right or wrong way – feelings, thoughts and actions are inextricably linked.
In this book you will learn to take an action-oriented approach to life. This book is not a fluffy, feel good, “Just think positive!” kind of book. It is full of practical advice and real life observations that will jolt your thinking and prod you to re-examine your approach to life.
Your thoughts are important, but you must act on the right ones. Figure out what you want to do, how to do it, then do it. You don’t always have to feel like doing it. In many cases, once you get started on something, you’ll feel a whole lot better about it.
In a cinch:
Self-awareness + Know-how + Action = Lasting positive change
That’s the last formula you’ll see in this book, I promise.
What good can a book do?
But, you might ask, what good can a book do? A book is only a stack of paper with words printed on it. If you read it and consider the author’s message you might gain some knowledge or a deeper understanding. But knowing how to do something is different from actually doing it. There comes a point when you have to take action to realise a desired result, and that is completely up to you.
Deep down everyone knows this. It’s common sense. But just being vaguely aware of it, being able to relate it to your reality, and doing something to improve your situation are all very different things.
This book will not make a difference in your life if you don’t DO anything about it. It’s hard work to break out of your old habits of acting, thinking and feeling and to acquire new ones. But it can be done. When you take control of your habits, you take control of your life.
This book is divided into six parts of five chapters each, together thoroughly covering a student’s main concerns:
PART ONE: Growing Up covers the emotional and social changes you experience through your teenage years. It is also about the importance of making good use of your time.
PART TWO: Family Feuds provides insight and assistance into your often tenuous relationships with parents and siblings.
PART THREE: Making Friends is your guide to getting along with people and building lifelong friendships.
PART FOUR: That Special Someone explores the nature of romantic love, from attraction to rejection.
PART FIVE: Schoolhouse Rock! delves into the purpose and importance of getting an education, and provides you with tips on making the most of your schooling experience.
PART SIX: A Life Worth Living takes a bird’s eye view of the different facets of your life, and gives you a system to help you set goals and manage your time so you can have more fun and achieve more at the same time.
Who am I to write this book?
I am not an expert on life. Just like you, I’m stumbling and fumbling my way through, but a little further down the road, and I have one redeeming quality – I like to learn.
For years, I have been reading what people much wiser than myself have to say about leading life in a fulfilling and productive way. When I tried to apply their teachings to my life, some ideas worked and some didn’t. Some were too simplistic, others didn’t make sense. This book contains the ideas, tips and methods that worked for me.
Let’s begin!
Part 1
Growing Up
The end
I stood at the base of her coffin, petrified. I was afraid to see the expressionless face of someone I once knew. Would her face be bloated, garish, bluish-purple? I didn’t want to know. I turned around and left. I was, and still am, afraid of death.
She was a schoolmate of mine back in school. I didn’t know her well, but she always had a warm smile for me whenever we met along the corridors. She was an accomplished gymnast and debater, a radiant person. Then I stopped seeing her along the corridors. I later found out she had leukaemia. She fought the disease bravely, but eventually succumbed.
Young people die. From recent memory I recall reading about a student being knocked down by a bus. Another schoolmate of mine died while backpacking in China.
I’m not trying to scare you. There’s no need to be paranoid. I fully intend to live to a ripe old age and I hope you do too. But we also have to acknowledge the fact that accidents and tragedies do happen, and just because we’re young doesn’t make us immune or invulnerable or immortal.
Life is fragile. It’s scary to think about it, and most of us block the thought when it enters our mind, but we will all die someday and we don’t know when. It could be tomorrow or a hundred years later.
And it’s difficult to talk about death with your friends or parents because it’s so taboo. People don’t want to think or talk about it. But it is natural to have such thoughts and feelings and they need to be addressed.
When I finally admitted the possibility I could die anytime, it gave me a sense of urgency in the way I led my life. I asked myself: How am I going to spend the time I have left, especially when I don’t know how much more I have? If I were to die tomorrow, would I die with no regrets? Would I be proud of the life I led so far?
Sometimes we come across movies or inspirational quotes telling us to lead every day as though it were our last. That doesn’t make sense to me. If today were my last day, I wouldn’t bother about the future. I’d spend all my money, do all sorts of dangerous things or spend the whole day crying. It didn’t make sense to live everyday like that, because in reality life could go on for a long, long time. Yet it also doesn’t make sense to live life in preparation for some distant future (“When I retire I’ll finally do what I really want to do…”) as we might die anytime.
So I came to the conclusion that the best approach is to strike a balance between enjoying life one day at a time and living for the future. It’s a paradox – to live like you are going to die tomorrow and in a hundred years at the same time. But there is truth in paradox. Light cannot logically be a particle and a wave at the same time. But it is.
It is uncomfortable and most of us avoid thinking about death, especially our own. But if we waited till we had to it would be too late. Wouldn’t it be terrible to have so many regrets and unfulfilled dreams you had no time to address?
Spend a minute to consider how you would lead your life with the end in mind. What would your friends and family say about you? Would they miss you dearly and keep your memory alive in their minds?
Thinking about death has given me a new perspective on life. Most things – how I did on a test, losing a possession, being insulted – are insignificant when you take such a perspective. Be careful about focusing too much on trivial and unimportant things and losing sight of the things that really matter in your life – your family, your friends, your contribution to this world.
There is no time but now
Have you ever been asked: “What is the time?”
All you had to do was glance at your watch and read off the time. But what if you were asked: “What is time?” How would you answer that?
How do we tell time? By looking at a watch or clock and identifying the hours, minutes and seconds. “Clock time” is certainly useful – it gives us a standard measurement of the progress of a day so we can structure our activities. But it doesn’t tell us what time is.
Is time the spinning of the Earth on its axis (each rotation takes about twenty-four hours)? The rotation of the planets around the sun (Earth takes about 365¼ days to complete one orbit)? The movement of the Universe from its creation (or the Big Bang depending on your beliefs) to Armageddon?
Some people believe time is an absolute reality, like a big clock in the sky ticking away relentlessly regardless of what we think, feel or do about it. Albert Einstein gave us a different view of time by thinking of it as a dimension in addition to the three dimensions of space (length, breadth and depth). Time is relative, so depending on how fast you’re going it can seem to speed up or slow down. Einstein came up with the Theory of Relativity by imagining himself riding a beam of light to the ends of the universe. Imagine that!
Imagination is more important than knowledge.
– Albert Einstein
Whether you think time is absolute or relative, there is no time but now. What’s past is set in stone behind us – we can’t go back to change it. What’s ahead is murky and unknowable – we can’t accurately predict it. The only time we have is now. Our past choices determine who we currently are. And the choices we make now will shape who we are in the future.
I like to think by making good choices on how we spend it, we are able to extract the essence of time, or what I call “time juice”. By making the effort to choose and apply our lives in meaningful and productive ways, we can reap the rewards and squeeze a little more of this “time juice” into our cups. Of course, it’s not the quantity but the quality of the juice that matters – how sweet and nourishing it is. Thinking this way also gives me licence to make corny statements like: If life gives you a lemon, squeeze it.
Have you ever felt regret for things you should have done – studied harder, treated your friends better or put more effort into learning a new skill or sport? You might feel it’s too late now.
But it’s not too late. You still have now. What are you going to do now? And how will you look back on this point of time in the future – with satisfaction or with regret?
In the film Dead Poets Society, a new English professor played by Robin Williams brings his class to look at faded black-and-white photos of old boys of the school pinned up at the trophy corner. “We are food for worms, lads,” he says to his class as they stare intently at the photos. “Believe it or not, each and every one of us in this room is one day going to stop breathing, turn cold and die.” He asks them to listen closely to the photos for the legacy of those who have passed on, and as the boys lean in to listen, the professor whispers in their ears, “Car-pe…car-pe…carpe diem. Seize the day, boys! Make your lives extraordinary!”
Preparing for the journey ahead
We’ll be exploring many issues and I’ll be sharing my personal views as well as ideas from experts in various fields. You don’t have to agree with everything you read, but keep an open mind. As you discover new ways of looking at things, ask yourself these questions:
– Does this make sense to me?
– Can I relate my experiences to this?
– How can I apply this to improve my life?
The essence of adolescence is about testing boundaries, challenging authority and developing your own views and ideas. Words by themselves are lifeless, mere splotches of ink on paper. Only you can breathe life into these words by engaging with the ideas they represent.
From kid to adult
During the carefree days of childhood your parents were usually there to take care of your problems. But as you transition into adolescence there seem to be more things to worry about and nobody to help you.
It’s sometimes hard to have a balanced view of life when you’re buried under so many problems. You’re down, the future looks bleak and everyone around you seems unfriendly. Help’s on the way – in the coming chapters you will learn strategies to help you deal with your problems. Life is full of obstacles, and you will enjoy a deep satisfaction from engaging and overcoming them.
The ABCDs of Growing Up
What does it mean to “grow up”? I found an answer in Dr. M. Scott Peck’s book The Road Less Travelled. I was twelve when my form teacher Ms. Faviola Fernandez recommended it to my class. But it was only three years later when I saw the book in a library that I decided to read it. The Road Less Travelled is one of the most challenging and eye-opening books I have ever read, and I highly recommend it.
Dr. Peck uses the following as conditions for mental health, which are representative of the qualities we ought to have as mature human beings:
1) Accepting Responsibility
Life is tough. Are you going to resign yourself to fate, or are you going to take action to improve your situation? Accepting responsibility is not about gaining control over other people, but about being accountable for your life.
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.
– William Ernest Henley, “Invictus”
Do not blame circumstances, external agents or other people for your life situation. If I blame McDonald’s for making me fat, then that is a lot of outlets I have to raze to the ground in a cholesterol-induced arson attack. And even if I manage to raze them all, nothing will have changed but the target of my blame (KFC anyone?).
2) Balance
For life to be successful and fulfilling there has to be balance – between work and play, between solitude and sociability, between responsibility and freedom.
Think about how you divide your time between your studies, extracurricular activities, hobbies, friends, family and the development of your self. Which areas are you spending too little time on?
3) Conscious Living
Living consciously means to not hide from problems you are aware of, to not relegate them to your subconscious mind. Pay attention to yourself. Be aware of the dialogue going on in your head. Learn about what motivates you, and what triggers you to act in a certain way.
Take smoking as an example. Smokers tend to associate certain times and rituals of the day to puffing on a cigarette. Start work, smoke. Coffee break, smoke. Finish lunch, smoke. Addiction is not just physical but also psychological, borne of habit. The behaviour is so habitual the smoker is no longer conscious of it.
4) Delaying Gratification
The greatest barrier to leading a fulfilling and productive life is your desire for instant gratification. People want love, results, satisfaction, and they want it now. Washboard abs in five days. A girlfriend or boyfriend via a chat line in five hours. Happiness in five minutes.
Every moment of your life you are faced with a choice: Are you going to spend your time on an activity that will give you short-term pleasure or will you invest your time and effort in a long-term goal? Are you going to do your homework or watch TV tonight?
Delaying gratification is a process of scheduling the pain and pleasure of life in such a way as to enhance the pleasure by meeting and experiencing the pain first and getting it over with. It is the only decent way to live.
– M. Scott Peck, The Road Less Travelled
To avoid the discomfort of this effort, most people procrastinate and do the easy thing. If there is something you have to do anyway, to me a better philosophy is to “suffer first, enjoy later” rather than vice versa. Once you have suffered, you can enjoy yourself without guilt and anxiety about the “trials” ahead.
If you accept responsibility for your life, balance your expenditure of time so no significant facet of your life is neglected, live consciously and delay gratification for longer term benefits, you will approach Dr. Peck’s idea of “mental health”.
This will take time. Becoming a mature person is a marathon, not a hundred-meter sprint.
The mouse in the mirror
Self-esteem – your regard for yourself – determines your effectiveness at meeting the challenges life throws you, be it a tennis ball or a two-ton wrecking ball. Of course, if you get hit by a two-ton wrecking ball not even your self-esteem can save you.
Constantly belittling and doubting oneself is a common problem, and if you have this habit, you need to develop psychological skills to counteract it. Some signs of a poor self-image:
– Feeling inferior. You are afraid to make eye contact with people because you fear being found unworthy. Your speech and body language is nervous.
– Always apologizing. You apologise before you say or do something, even if the other person is in the wrong.
– Fear of failure. You are afraid to try new things or to make mistakes.
– Conformity. You would rather act like everyone else than assert your own individuality.
– Rejecting compliments. You downplay or refuse to accept praise, admiration or congratulations from others.
Step by tiny step
What can you do to become more confident and self-assured? Some people are resigned to the “fact” that they are worthless or incapable, believing there is nothing they can do about it. There are undoubtedly things largely outside of your control – the weather, freak accidents and other people being some of the obvious examples. But there are also things largely within your control – your behaviour, your attitude and your words. One effective approach is to control what you can and accept what you cannot.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
– The Serenity Prayer
What you think of yourself has drastic implications for every aspect of your life – your work, your relationships and your achievements. Some actions to start your journey towards a healthier self-concept include:
– Learn to be conscious of what you say to yourself, how you feel and what you do as a result. We speak to ourselves all the time. Try to catch the thoughts and feelings that led you to take a certain action, or that resulted from an action.
– Distance yourself from people or situations that diminish you. You need to remove yourself from as many negative influences as possible as it is easy to return to your old ways of thinking and behaving.
– Develop your performance confidence. Gain proficiency in a skill or hobby you enjoy, one small step at a time.
– Focus on helping others. Often by serving others we lose a large part of our self-consciousness and our “self-ishness”.
– Push yourself to continually take risks outside of your comfort zone – the boundaries of thought and action within which you feel safe. Examples of this include talking to people you do not know, or trying out a new activity. By doing this you will find your comfort zone slowly expanding, and you become less and less afraid of unfamiliar situations, and more and more confident in your ability to face new ones.
– Learn from people you respect and admire, who represent to you a model of healthy self-esteem. How do they talk, move and do things? How do they relate to people and handle tricky situations? You may wish to emulate them, or “fake it till you make it” – pretending to be the kind of person you want to be until you really become that person.
– Regularly evaluate yourself in a constructive way and look for ways to improve. Criticise your specific actions and not your entire self (e.g. “I should have read the instructions before I pushed the red button and started a global nuclear war” instead of “I’m such an idiot”).
The lifelong climb
Building up a solid sense of self-worth is a long-term process. Do not be discouraged if you see little improvement initially. As long as you continually push yourself in the direction you want to go, you will make progress.
When I was thirteen, a good friend of mine invited a group of girls to go for an outing but did not invite me. Instead, he asked this other friend who was socially confident. I felt hurt. My friend explained his decision by telling me he thought I was too shy and would clam up and not talk at all, creating an awkward situation. He did not say this out of malice but out of a kind frankness. And he was right. This intensified my belief that I was a “shy” and “uninteresting” person (you see what you want to see).
Now as I look back on this event many years later, I realise I’ve changed in a marked and noticeable way. I am more confident of myself and more able to express myself. I’ve been taking small steps in pushing the boundaries of my comfort zone in new situations or with new people. I am keen to try new things that are not physically dangerous, and am less nervous about talking to strangers.
Mind the pattern. A pattern of mistakes is a call to change your life. The rest of the tapestry is not determined by what has been woven before. The weaver herself, blessed with knowledge and with freedom, can change – if not the material she must work with – the design of what comes next.
– Martin Seligman, “What you can change… And what you can’t”
Only action will break you out of the negative downward spiral of “disbelief-inaction-greater disbelief”. Building a solid self-esteem may seem a tough and frustrating process, but if you don’t start now, then when? The destination is distant but the journey is well worth it.
Being responsible
As an adolescent you may feel stuck in a limbo between childhood and adulthood – you are given some of the responsibilities of an adult but are treated like a child.
You may find that adults (your parents, teachers and others you come into contact with) do not hold your opinions and ideas in high regard. You may have an ingenious idea for a more efficient way of doing something or even for a new business, but you’ll often run straight into a brick wall when you try to communicate these ideas to them.